Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: New Year (05/09/05)
TITLE: New Year Resolutions For Idiots
By Dori Knight
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So, you want to make a New Year Resolution – good for you! So do twelve billion other people, and you’ll notice none of us have achieved perfection yet, but not to worry, New Year Resolutions For Total Idiots can help you achieve your goals!
Before beginning, try to keep in mind the first rule of resolutions: anything you try to achieve on your own power is doomed to utter failure. With that in mind, let’s get started – after all, we only have until noon until you cave in.
Chapter One: Lose Weight
Healthy food choices are part of losing weight, so get ready to make some radical changes, but remember, it’s only going to last until noon, so you only have two meals to contend with.
For breakfast, eat as many waffles with butter and syrup as you can stuff into your face, but make sure they are blueberry waffles. In the same manner, when you order that Bacon Double Cheeseburger, be sure to get it with lettuce and tomatoes. Fruit and vegetables cancel out all other calories.
Another important part of dieting is to envision yourself as you want to be, and what better way is there than to dress the part? Go out and buy yourself an itsy-bitsy bikini, then look at yourself in the mirror. Don’t you look good? Wait a minute, where are you going? Come back here! It’s not noon yet!
Chapter Two: Exercise
Now that you have gotten past the shock and horror of seeing yourself in a bikini, change into a comfortable jogging suit. This will give the illusion that you are athletic, and if you are athletic, exercise will come naturally to you.
Experts agree that walking is the most effective form of exercise, but you must have the proper equipment. You’ll need to go to the pound and get the fattest, laziest dog that you can find. This way, when your neighbors find you resting at the side of the road, twenty feet from your door, you can claim you’re giving your dog a breather, so he doesn’t overdo it.
Chapter Three: Quit Smoking
There are many effective smoking cessation aids on the market today. There are patches, gum, and even prescription medications to make it easier for you. Of course, you’ll then be addicted to patches, gum or prescription medications, but one step at a time. There’s always next year, right?
There is a smoking cessation alternative that has been proven effective. Duct tape. Just sit in a chair and have a friend roll you up in the stuff. Caution: make sure you have not recently ticked off your friend, or you could be there a long, long time.
Chapter Four: Quit Drinking
Hello … it’s seven o’clock in the morning. Put the bottle down, pick up the phone, and call AA.
Chapter Five: Be A Better Person
This is by far the simplest of all resolutions. Just pull down your shades, lock the doors and do not answer the phone. In this way, you won’t be able to insult or offend anyone.
The possible exception would be your mother-in-law, who may become offended that you won’t let her in your house. Some mothers-in-law will stop at nothing to let you know you’ve offended them. They may even send a carrier pigeon in through the chimney. If this happens, smack the bird on the head with the coal scoop, then stuff it back out the mail slot. Eventually, your mother-in-law will go away, and you can continue to be a better person.
Chapter Six: Draw Closer To God
There is only one way to do this, and I won’t lie to you, it’s difficult – you’ll have to start by closing this book. If you can make it that far, the rest is down hill.
Once the book is closed, get on your knees and talk to Him. Don’t worry, He’ll be there. And the great part is that even if you fail, He’ll still be there, because He loves you that much.
After five or six years of practice, you’ll finally figure out that there is only one good resolution, and that is Drawing Closer To God, because when you do, you’ll find it easier to curb temptations, be a better person, and exercise more self control.
Soon, you won’t need this book at all, but don’t worry, you can always get my new release: Self Esteem for Total Idiots. Buy your copy today!
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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