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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: New Year (05/09/05)

TITLE: New Year Resolutions For Idiots
By Dori Knight
05/12/05


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Introduction

So, you want to make a New Year Resolution Ė good for you! So do twelve billion other people, and youíll notice none of us have achieved perfection yet, but not to worry, New Year Resolutions For Total Idiots can help you achieve your goals!

Before beginning, try to keep in mind the first rule of resolutions: anything you try to achieve on your own power is doomed to utter failure. With that in mind, letís get started Ė after all, we only have until noon until you cave in.

Chapter One: Lose Weight

Healthy food choices are part of losing weight, so get ready to make some radical changes, but remember, itís only going to last until noon, so you only have two meals to contend with.

For breakfast, eat as many waffles with butter and syrup as you can stuff into your face, but make sure they are blueberry waffles. In the same manner, when you order that Bacon Double Cheeseburger, be sure to get it with lettuce and tomatoes. Fruit and vegetables cancel out all other calories.

Another important part of dieting is to envision yourself as you want to be, and what better way is there than to dress the part? Go out and buy yourself an itsy-bitsy bikini, then look at yourself in the mirror. Donít you look good? Wait a minute, where are you going? Come back here! Itís not noon yet!

Chapter Two: Exercise

Now that you have gotten past the shock and horror of seeing yourself in a bikini, change into a comfortable jogging suit. This will give the illusion that you are athletic, and if you are athletic, exercise will come naturally to you.

Experts agree that walking is the most effective form of exercise, but you must have the proper equipment. Youíll need to go to the pound and get the fattest, laziest dog that you can find. This way, when your neighbors find you resting at the side of the road, twenty feet from your door, you can claim youíre giving your dog a breather, so he doesnít overdo it.

Chapter Three: Quit Smoking

There are many effective smoking cessation aids on the market today. There are patches, gum, and even prescription medications to make it easier for you. Of course, youíll then be addicted to patches, gum or prescription medications, but one step at a time. Thereís always next year, right?

There is a smoking cessation alternative that has been proven effective. Duct tape. Just sit in a chair and have a friend roll you up in the stuff. Caution: make sure you have not recently ticked off your friend, or you could be there a long, long time.

Chapter Four: Quit Drinking

Hello Ö itís seven oíclock in the morning. Put the bottle down, pick up the phone, and call AA.

Chapter Five: Be A Better Person

This is by far the simplest of all resolutions. Just pull down your shades, lock the doors and do not answer the phone. In this way, you wonít be able to insult or offend anyone.

The possible exception would be your mother-in-law, who may become offended that you wonít let her in your house. Some mothers-in-law will stop at nothing to let you know youíve offended them. They may even send a carrier pigeon in through the chimney. If this happens, smack the bird on the head with the coal scoop, then stuff it back out the mail slot. Eventually, your mother-in-law will go away, and you can continue to be a better person.

Chapter Six: Draw Closer To God

There is only one way to do this, and I wonít lie to you, itís difficult Ė youíll have to start by closing this book. If you can make it that far, the rest is down hill.

Once the book is closed, get on your knees and talk to Him. Donít worry, Heíll be there. And the great part is that even if you fail, Heíll still be there, because He loves you that much.

Conclusion

After five or six years of practice, youíll finally figure out that there is only one good resolution, and that is Drawing Closer To God, because when you do, youíll find it easier to curb temptations, be a better person, and exercise more self control.

Soon, you wonít need this book at all, but donít worry, you can always get my new release: Self Esteem for Total Idiots. Buy your copy today!


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This article has been read 765 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Corinne Smelker 05/16/05
Loved it! But then what's there not to love!
Kelly Klepfer05/16/05
Very amusing!
Lynda Lee Schab 05/16/05
The title made me look and the article made me laugh. Clever, creative, and wonderful humor writing!
Blessings, Lynda
Kyle Chezum05/16/05
Ha, this was great! Very original. Good job!
Dixie Phillips 05/16/05
Great gift of wit! Absolutely delightful! It should be one of those yellow and black books entitled, "Resolutions for Dummies...." No doubt about it!
Amy Michelle Wiley 05/16/05
LOL, good job.
Val Clark05/16/05
This one gets my vote. Very funny!
Pat Guy 05/19/05
Soooo clever and soooo well done! lol's
Glenn A. Hascall05/19/05
Ah, I had read this earlier in the week and thought - something about this style seems familiar to me. Now I know why - woo hoo. Good job Sister D.

Been there - done that - have the resolutions to prove it.
Sally Hanan05/20/05
Looks like Dori has another winner on her hands.. I just let my dog have his breathers in the house, saves me having to change :)
dub W05/20/05
Going to print this and hang it on the frig.
Suzanne R05/20/05
Brilliant! So much to identify with! And I LOVE the conclusion. The line about putting down this book (or logging off this website) and getting on your knees and praying was hardhitting too - kind of mean after giving us such a good laugh - but VERY appropriate. Well done on a fantastic article!
Linda Germain 05/22/05
I agree with Glen. The "voice" shines through and I love it! Funny, but so TRUE. Great job.~LG~