The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/08/07
A very good picture of the lostness of humanity.

Your last two verses were a bit unclear to me; perhaps some clarification is needed? The way it's phrased, it almost sounds as if "no death" is the reward for stupidity.

The rhymed couplets worked for me in this short poem.
You've achieved a dark tone here that fits your theme of man's fatal shortcomings. A little more polishing following up on Jan's suggestions will help make it shine as a poem. Good job!
09/12/07
This is really very clear as to the seriousness of our actions and eternity. Very well written. Thank your for sharing somthing that makes one stop to think.