Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Mothers (05/02/05)
TITLE: Wrath Reduction
By Kathy Bruins
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The explosions started small like someone cutting me off in traffic and I pretended to disintegrate them with a laser gun secretly hidden in my car hood (or so I wished at the time.) Upsets would emotionally drain me throughout the day. The explosions became larger over time. My husband used the term “wrath” when describing my anger.
The explosions became more frequent. I realized this wasn’t normal behavior and was getting out of control. A counselor helped me peel back the layers of my life to discover the root hurt that had been stuffed all these years. This hurt began in childhood as I was surrounded by fears everyday.
Not believing I was acceptable as my true self, somewhere in my childhood I created someone who was acceptable. My walls were up high so that no one ever glimpsed on the real me. I became the person everyone could come to with their problems. As an adult, I became a ministry-aholic, because my total value was in what I did for God.
God worked through the counselor to show me that His love for me is unconditional. I do not have to prove anything to Him. He is my Creator, my Father, my Protector, my Friend and a hundred other things to me all the time. I am the apple of His eye.
As I realized that truth, I fearfully came to the decision to forgive everyone for the hurts I have experienced and let go of the imagined control and self-protection in not forgiving. It’s not relinquishing the fact that life was hard as a child, but I am trusting God with all of it knowing He has a perfect plan for me. Do I still feel the hurt at times? Yes, but I respond to it differently by remembering my decision and looking to God for comfort and healing.
I committed to letting people see the real me…someone I didn’t know and had yet to discover. He is creating a new me that is not controlled by my past, but controlled by His love and His glory.
Now that I have come this far, I know that the relationship between my mother and me has hope. I have come to realize that her life as a child may have also been chaotic and unstable. She may have also never felt truly loved, and perhaps built walls so no one would really know her. I am truly sorry for the hurts she has experienced in life, knowing some were caused by me. I know she did her best in raising me and appreciate the sacrifices she made for me.
I believe we both desire to build on our relationship. I have forgiven her, pray she can forgive me and know that I love her. God is the healer. His Hand is on His daughters…Mom and me.
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