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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Confused (08/16/07)

TITLE: For Males Only, Unless You're Female
By Dianne Janak
08/18/07


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Dear youth, or anyone under sixty,

After patiently waiting for this denial -laden- birthday, it’s finally time to give my first bit of unsolicited advice. I really need a drum roll here. At least that.

Noticing through experience that there’s a pattern of conflict between the sexes, I’ve been gravely meditating on a remedy.

Men seem to view women as confusing and mysterious. To us there’s no problem. We are. It empowers us.

My desire today is to keep confusing the men in order to further empower the women. If the men actually hear me, we may even submit. (at least for a couple of hours)

Some things are taken way too seriously, necessitating a need to lighten up. Hormonally speaking, I have learned a few tricks. Learn to laugh at PMS and Mental Pause. When I start to feel a rage coming on, I warn all the males within 5 miles..…

“I am woman, hear my roar.
If you don’t like it, there’s the door.”

This deflates the tension dramatically.

My husband finally learned how to respond to that with:

“I am husband, lots to fear.
When you roar, I’m outa here.”

This one trick should save lots of marriages and/or lives.

Men, you seem to think we’re just using hormones as an excuse. Speaking for all of us, that is hilarious.

We tell our children everyday… “there’s no excuse for… whatever”. We just don’t tolerate excuses. Now I know why.

There’s a limited amount of them floating around , and now it’s OUR time to grab them. Excuses are hard earned so don’t mess with them. We cherish them deeply.

I had to call the cops once, bless their hearts, to report my stolen car at the grocery store. After much interrogation a light bulb went off. I’d been looking for the wrong car. Excusing it as a menopausal senior moment with body temperature maxing out, I felt vindicated.

My husband doesn’t let me tell that story in his presence. He needs to lighten.

Men, if you keep telling your woman she has issues, here is another tip. We love issues as much as excuses.

Give me a good issue, and I bond with that many more women. We like bonding, so collecting issues is a life long achievement. Some issues don’t need therapy, others do. That doesn’t stop us, so that threat is harmless.

Getting therapy is rather fun. Paying someone to hear us out is gratifying. It’s your money, and we get to talk.

One of my favorite excuses is blaming our parents. (although of course our kids are not allowed these, even as adults) They didn’t always do a great job in training us about hormonal issues. The monthly period was called the “CURSE.” Think about that.

The only frame of reference we had about the curse is it’s a witch thing. We grew up thinking witches hate girls. Am I making any logical, rational sense yet? Hope not. I had no intention of making sense, therein lies our charm. But it doesn’t stop with the curse.

I used to hear my mom talk to her women friends on the phone about the “change.”

“Did you know Nancy left the bridge party in a huff the other day? I think she must be going through the change.”

Hearing that, my imagination went into overdrive. What is Nancy turning into? Maybe after years of the curse, women change into what?

Dracula?

I hid when Nancy came over. When I heard my mom telling someone she feels the CHANGE coming on, and I didn’t sleep for months. From the curse of witches to the change of Dracula, what on earth do you expect? We had to develop the roar to defend ourselves.

The female baby boomer generation is just now as I write, entering into the beautiful stage of mental pause, after being cursed for years. Global warming is no mystery to us. Had they asked us we could have solved the mystery. Think of the millions of hot flashers out there. Our poor planet may just melt.

So see, my dear testosterone friends, we have earned excuses, we love issues, we need to roar to fight off curses and we have reinvented Dracula into a beast of great beauty.

And with that my dear friends, I bid adieu.


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This article has been read 730 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Ed VanDeMark08/23/07
Men live on average four years less than women. I for one gladly trade those four years away just to avoid the "curse", bearing children, PMS, Migraine headaches, uncomfortable unmentionables, perms, and makeup. Four years is a good deal. As for the roar you speak of is it any wonder we men have selective hearing? I like your tale...I'm married to a woman...a good woman...but a woman none the less. I have an adiction to her. Enjoy your years of blood sucking.
Cathy Kane08/23/07
Bravo! I laughed so loud when I read your wonderful piece that I woke my husband out of a sound sleep in the next room!

This is priceless! You are uniquely talented. I like your style!
Janice Cartwright08/23/07
Men are waffles, women spaghetti? I'm not sure about that. Sometimes I can waffle with the best of them!! Great, fun article. This one is likely to place way up there!!
Verna Cole Mitchell 08/23/07
This cleverly written piece should be in Masters. It's that good! My favorite line was the one about going through the "change." Thanks for the laughs.
Lynda Schultz 08/23/07
Hilarious. I especially like this one: "Maybe after years of the curse, women change into what? Dracula?"

Boy, am I glad I'm through "mental pause" but does that mean I don't have any more excuses or issues, and can't roar anymore? No a chance!
Dee Yoder 08/24/07
Love the "Global Warming" mystery solved by women! Boy, can I relate to this article and it's so clever and funny! Excellent and a favorite of many women, I'm sure. (And men, if they care to learn something...)
Kristen Hester08/24/07
I was going to copy and paste my favorite part but decided I couldn't paste your entire entry. There are some many really, really funny thoughts here.

I love this line for the husbands:
“I am husband, lots to fear.
When you roar, I’m outa here.”

This is great! Bravo. Keep it up.
Joanney Uthe08/24/07
I like how the openning sets the tone for the whole piece -- "youth or anyone under sixty" and the earning the right to speak because she reached a certain birthday. Great, fun article.
David Butler 08/26/07
What a blast! The best laugh I've had all day. You've got a very powerful, yet subtle wit. I wonder if one of us of the testosterone company could do a reply to this? You may have started a (light-hearted) war here.
Joanne Sher 08/27/07
SO much fun! You have an amazing writing style that grabs you and doesn't let go. This was a hoot!
Jacquelyn Horne08/27/07
Excuses, excuses! This ought to confuse all men.
Lisa Holloway08/29/07
I laughed all the way through this and wasn't at all confused (which only goes to show you I'm female and the curse doesn't work against me, except for when it does ;) ).
Myrna Noyes08/30/07
Wonderfully funny and clever piece you have here, Dianne! Laughter is a good medicine, so I'm sure I will be in good health all day today after reading this! :D Excellent writing!
Marilee Alvey09/10/07
Diane, I just got through reading this today and, as usual, it was Masterful. Your wit, your humor, takes confusing issues and clarifies them.....in a hilarious way. It's charming. It's disarming. You have good insights and know how to ball them all up into conclusions. It really is a special, unique talent. You have the heart of a comedian: you take everyday things, look at them a bit askew, then report back to us so that we can share in the humor you harvest. Keep it up, girl! You're developing quite a fan club!