Stealing is wrong. I know that. I went to Catholic school for goodness sake. So, how in the world did I end up here… doing the commando crawl through Britney Spears’ mansion while trying to steal her dog?
It all started when I saw the photos in People of Britney holding the tiniest, most adorable Chihuahua I’d ever seen. Bit-Bit sported a Harry Winston diamond choker, which seemed appropriate at the time because, after all, it was a red-carpet event. She was ravishing: those expressive eyes, her dazzling charisma, that delicate bone structure. I’m talking about Bit-Bit of course, not Britney. I was smitten.
Naturally, I was horrified later that year when Britney was named Worst Celebrity Dog Owner by Hollywood Dog Magazine. I had visions of the diminutive Bit-Bit dumpster diving on Rodeo Drive. I was so devastated I lit a candle for Bit-Bit that night at church.
Ironically, that magazine was the very thing that prompted Britney to call me. I’m a professional pet sitter, known in Hollywood circles as “pet sitter to the stars.” I walk Adam Sandler’s bulldog Matzo Ball and look after George Clooney’s pot-bellied pig, Max, but that’s another story.
“Ms. Spears, I’d love to care for your dog.”
“I don’t want people thinking I’m a bad doggy-mama. I need help.” I nodded in sympathy as Britney led me to Bit-Bit’s bedroom. It was the classic case of poor little rich dog.
“There she is.” Britney pointed her famous finger across the room and there was Bit-Bit in the flesh… er, fur.
Thank you Lord. God had clearly answered my prayers for Bit-Bit. I cradled her tiny form and whispered a promise to care for her forever. It was a promise I couldn’t keep. In two short weeks I was “let go.”
My heart broke for Bit-Bit, back to her lonely life of being forgotten in her fancy bedroom. That was about the time I concocted my illicit plan. I knew it was wrong. Stealing a pet is obviously against the Ten Commandments for Pet Sitters. Not to mention the fact that it violates the real Ten Commandments. The ones God actually passed down to Moses and carved into stone with his own finger.
Still, I knew I would do it. I considered it more of a rescue than actually stealing. Hopefully, God would understand.
So, here I am. Belly to the ground, slithering down the hallway of Britney’s huge home. I notice an errant fishnet stocking strewn on the floor and toy with the idea of putting it over my head like the criminal I’ve become. I could also probably sell it on E-Bay for a fortune, but I leave it behind. Only one thought goes through my mind.
Yo quiero Bit-Bit!
When I reach her bedroom Bit-Bit twirls in excited circles. Just as I scoop her up, I hear Britney’s southern accent from the hallway. She’s on the phone and her voice drips with tears.
“Mama, I don’t know what to do. Everyone wants something from me and I just want someone who will love me for me…”
I scoot under the four-poster bed and cower like a lowly worm while Britney pours her heart out to her mother. From my hiding place, I can see her pacing back and forth, her red Kabbalah string dangling from the wrist that holds the telephone.
Face down, hiding from Britney Spears, I begin to feel God’s grace for this wayward girl. She’s not only a famous face… she’s a child of God. What if I’m the only Christian she ever comes across? Do I really want her to remember me as that “Christian” who stole her dog? All this time I’ve been praying for Bit-Bit I should have been lifting up Britney instead.
God, please forgive me.
Mortified and convicted, I wait until the coast is clear and slink back outside. I leave Bit-Bit behind with the discarded stocking.
The next morning I awake to the sound of a ringing telephone. Ohmygosh, it’s Britney. What if she knows about my botched Bit-Bit dognapping?
“Listen, the thing with the dog just isn’t working out. You seem to really love Bit-Bit and I was wondering… would you like to have her as your own?”
It turns out God does, indeed, work in mysterious ways. Before she can change her mind, I jump in my car and head over to pick up my new dog. But first, I stop at church and light a candle for Britney.
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