Slobberin’ Joe rushed to the hotel downtown,
It’s the only location with water around.
He did what his mama told him to do,
Then paid and tipped them and bid them adieu.
Yes, Old Slobberin’ Joe took his yearly bath
Then headed for home up the mountain path,
While on the way he fell into the creek
Too slothful to move he stayed for a week.
Cold, wrinkled, and soaked, he started to shout,
“Is there anyone ‘round to help me out?”
Rabbits, squirrels, and deer came to drink
They said, “We can’t help, you’re nutty, we think.”
“Please let me explain, I am not crazy,
I live in a fog, might be a bit hazy,
Yet I try to live as my mama taught.”
But they refused to give him the help that he sought.
Two more days later a lady waltzed by,
Said, “What is the matter?” He began to cry,
“I’ve sat in this creek for nine long days,
And it’s brought me nothin’ but long delays.
“I was only a’doing what my mama said,
‘Take yer yearly bath and you’ll soon be wed,’
But on the way home from my annual cleanin’
I tumbled in here... put a stop to my preenin’
“Missed my chances to find me a wife
Destined for loneliness all of my life.”
The lady eyeballed his toothless face
Compassion welled in her heart full of grace,
The lady spied not what kept him alone,
The wild hair, whiskers, overalls he’d outgrown,
Drab eyes, big ears, and snout like a pig,
She leaned ever closer and... slipped on a twig.
The lady named Homely landed near Joe
Looked up in his dull eyes, said, “Please be my beau?”
Mama’s advice, after fifty years worked
He’d landed a bride in the creek where he’d lurked!
They chose then to stay at their meeting place
For Joe’s dirty old shack was quite a disgrace.
They built a lean-to at the water’s edge
And there they married and gave their pledge.
Five years later Old Homely and Joe
Had five tykes, ugly, from head to toe.
But one thing Joe taught them, you can be sure,
A bath every year will give you allure.
Down by the creek, thirty years passed,
Five shanties arose, each worse than the last.
Old Homely and Joe’s urchins now grown
Were looking for spouses to not be alone.
So they always did what their papa said,
Went to the hotel, the year’s dirt to shed,
By renting soap and water and tub
And with a sponge they began to scrub.
Hoping the bath would help them to find
A spouse who is lovely and very refined
Just like Ma Homely and Papa Joe
Who found true love after a bath years ago.
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