The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/29/07
Your descriptions are very good. I think where this got into trouble was when you tried to fit too much into a short piece - a sinking boat, a dead father, grief, an admirer, possibly dying, being saved. If you had taken one moment in the girl's mind; the next day perhaps, you could have put all of the past into a sentence or two and then focused on the interaction between her and the boy. This entry would work well though if it were stretched into about 3,000 words.
I loved reading this. Great story!