Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)
TITLE: Mission From God
By Larry Elliott
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“Moses, over here.”
“Who said that? I don’t see anyone.”
“You can’t see Me. I’m God.”
“Oh, well... why didn’t you say so?”
“I just did. Now pay attention, I have something very important to say.”
Moses continued searching with his eyes.
“Are you going to listen to Me or not?”
“Well, sure. I mean, if you’re really God I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
“Ahhhgh… come closer to the bush.”
“The one right behind you that just happens to be in flames.”
“Whoa. Fire!” Moses shrieked.
“Hey, watch it. Stop kicking dirt all over me. Show a little respect will you? And leave the flip-flops over there- way over there. You really should pay more attention when following so close to that flock of yours.”
“Well, it’s not actually...” Moses started to protest.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget you’re merely human.”
Thunder hiccupped across the clear sky and Moses realized it was laughter.
“It was joke, son. Get it? ‘I forgot you’re human’? I can’t forget something like that- I’m God.”
“Oh, heh-heh, what ever you say.”
‘Dit---dit---dah dah… dit---dit---duh duh...’
“What’s that noise?” Moses spun in a circle.
“It’s not noise it’s a tv theme- Mission Impossible.”
“Oh, forget it. You’re too young to understand.”
“Too young? I’m eighty...” Moses started again.
“Believe me, you’re about three thousand years too young. Can’t you just be quiet for a minute and focus?”
“Whoa…” Moses stumbled backward as the flames flared. He reached toward the blaze, “Hey, where’s the heat?”
“Eh-eh-ehh, didn’t your mother teach you not to play with fire? Now take heed, ‘o dubious one’. This is your mission should you choose to accept it. I want you to go to Pharaoh and relay this message word for word so listen carefully. Say, ‘Pharaoh- Let my people go.’ This bush will not self destruct in sixty seconds.”
The flame snuffed leaving the bush unscathed.
“Ok, Moses, did you get all that?”
“I think so, but instead, how about a small miracle to prove yourself to Pharaoh?”
“I dunno’, make all the palace toilets flush backwards, maybe?”
“Tell you what, I’ll turn your staff into a snake right before Pharaoh’s eyes.”
“I don’t like snakes, as a matter of fact...”
Lightning split a huge boulder.
“Ok. Ok, give me some time to think about it.”
“Think about it?” The mountain trembled and small stones tumbled down around Moses’ feet. “I’m offering you the chance of a hundred generations and you want to think about it?”
“What I meant was... I’m not very good at this sort of thing. There’s Aaron? He has the Pharaoh’s latest tablet ‘Dealing with People who are a Lot More Important than You’. And he’s read it twice.”
“Well, there’s this particular group of mercenaries...”
“I said NO!”
“Ok, ok I’ll try”
“Try? Try? Do or do not, there is no try.”
“All right, I’ll do it, but, um- what’s in it for me?”
“For you? You mean other than the privilege to serve your master, the one and only GOD, God of your father, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, creator of the universe, surround sound and buttered popcorn?”
“What is pohp-corn?”
“It’s food, kind of like manna, but with no real nutritional value. Forget that. Was there something specific you had in mind?”
“Well um,” Moses drew circles in the dirt with his big toe. “I would like to know what you look like, Lord. I mean, so I can put a face with the voice, and... maybe an autograph- for the wife.”
“An autograph, maybe, and I could show you my face, but then I’d have to kill you.”
“That’s a tad extreme.”
“Look, I may have a solution.”
A black briefcase ‘poofed’ into existence next to the bush.
“Open the case.”
The latches snapped and the lid hissed open in slow motion.
“Remove the specially designed UV protected... oh, just take the little thingy out of the box and slide it on in front of your eyes. Follow the illustration.”
“Now, stand between those two boulders behind you. When you’re ready just let me know and I’ll stroll by with my back to you.”
“Look, it’s the best I can do. I need you around awhile longer. Take it or leave it.”
“Well, would you throw in some pohp-corn?”
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