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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)

By Marilee Alvey


I was an ugly baby. My daddy once told me that they’d planned to bed me down in an open dresser drawer, but after they saw how ugly I was, they laid me in with the drawer closed so as not to frighten the other children.

They was tough on kids back in those days. Now, many parents insist that their children make their beds. My folks was no exception. If I wanted a real bed, well, I could just gather some wood and make it myself.

Nowadays, folks buy their kids those juice boxes with straws all built in. They even have little crackers with plastic knives to put the peanut butter on and such. Not so, for me. At two, I got a sharp knife, a block of cheese and was told, “Good luck. It better last a week, boy!”

Now, kids can’t have knives, scissors, tacks or pins. What’s this world comin’ to? Back then in my neck of the woods, parents gave the kids all kinds of sharp stuff…..they was called, “Christmas presents.” You might say that was their “family planning” in them old days.

Nowadays, folks would never leave their child unattended in a car for fear of ‘em bein’ stole. I guess nowadays the kids is cuter. Back then, if a kid didn’t behave in a store, he’d hear: Cecil, back in the truck! If the child was took, which, by the way, the chances was zilch, zero, none, you could be sure he’d be gettin’ the blame for it. The nightly news would say, “Carl’s and Zena’s kid, Cecil, the ugly one, was dumb enough to get snatched today. He was found one block away, scratchin’ his head, wonderin’ what happened.”

Speakin’ of kids and cars, folks today hafta buy new car seats every time the kid gains five pounds. Lord, it takes so long to get ‘em buckled up into that car seat that, by the time they do, it’s time to install the next one. Back then life was good for me. I could sit on the floor, hang over the back seat, stand in the back of the truck, or hang on the hood like a ornament. You didn’t buckle or strap. You just went.

Now, everybody’s gotta have self esteem. If they’re ugly you can’t call ‘em what they are. You call ‘em “gifted,” or “unique.” Guess you gotta remove your mirrors and such. Back then, they called a spade a spade and got on with it. No harm, no foul. I made it. No holes shot thru me.

Parents today are sayin’, “Don’t feed peanut butter, raisins or celery to little Junior. They’re chokin’ hazards.” Well, I got served “ants on a log,” pieces of celery that got peanut butter all over ‘em and raisins on top. I don’t know why folks today got their fuss on: I’m still here, try as my folks might.

These days, kids is sportin’ tongue studs that cause ‘em to lisp. Back in my day, the school had me go to a special class for two years to learn how to say, “Sammy Snake” right. If I’d come home with an earring in my ear, I’d not only had a hole in my ear, there’d be a hole dug out back with my name on it.

Now, kids say all sorts of stuff to their folks, like “cool yer jets” and “bite me.” I’d only say somethin’ like that if I lettered in track…and was movin’ to a different country…right now. If they’d caught up with me, I’d have saved on the airfare.

Church, back then, was a place to sit in the pew and listen…or get boxed in the ears. You didn’t go to the bathroom. You just held it and prayed for the last ‘amen.’ Now, pastors at mega churches talk about “doin’ life together,” which makes me wanna ask, “How long ya in for?” In the old days, babies was screamin’ all around you, like Armageddon came right to your pew. Now, they got numbers that flash on a screen that tells parents when Junior’s got a problem. First time I saw that screen flash a number, I thought somebody’s pizza was ready.

Maybe God gives us these changes so we don’t fit in here anymore. Maybe it’s to make us okay with movin’ on…..in which case, could I offer one suggestion, Lord? If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, beam me up before Eminem gets on Muzak.

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This article has been read 994 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Joanne Malley04/19/07
Loved my morning laugh! Terrific job, and oh....so true! tee hee. Jo
TJ Nickel04/19/07
Real good article, you found the elements of truth to bend and work with in just the right way.
Anita Neuman04/19/07
It's the voice - perfect from the title to the last line. Just perfect. Loved every paragraph.
Rita Garcia04/19/07
LOL very funny take on the changes through time!
Lynda Schultz 04/19/07
There are so many priceless lines in this one. But this one almost rolled me off my seat: "If I’d come home with an earring in my ear, I’d not only had a hole in my ear, there’d be a hole dug out back with my name on it." Super writing.
Betty Castleberry04/19/07
This was so much fun, and oh, how I can relate. I loved the last line, especially. This pricelss piece looks like a winner to me.
Julie Arduini04/20/07
I have tears forming I'm laughing so hard. Your commentary is enlightening and hysterical. As a mom of a preschooler the bit about the number flashing on the screen being about pizza ready, love it. The speech therapy line is funny. This is fresh, funny, and fantastic.
James Wood04/20/07
A brilliant commentary on the social ills of a politically correct age too concerned with appearances to deal with the harsh realities. I wish I had something negative to say, as you seem to have the fortitude to hear it, but you leave me speechless. Bravo.
Mo 04/20/07
Mo 04/20/07
& I liked the voice!
Joyce Samuel04/21/07
This is good. Very funny, with the right dose of reality. Amazing how values have changed (degenerated?). I liked the part about having to be in special class for two years to learn proper speech; now kids've tongue studs that hamper their speech. Altogether well said. It calls for reflection even as we laugh. Well done.
Sheri Gordon04/21/07
This is too true, and very funny. How did any of us survive? The beginning started a little too "Rodney Dangerfield-ish" for me, but once I got past the first couple of paragraphs I was with you all the way. Nicely written.
Verna Cole Mitchell 04/22/07
A really great humorous entry! My favorite description was the number flashed on the church screen that could be for a pizza ready!
william price04/23/07
I thought it was perfect, and then I read it again and found it better than that. A much needed laugh and smile. Thanks. God bless.
Sharlyn Guthrie04/24/07
This had me AND my husband laughing out loud! Touche!
Trina Courtenay04/25/07
I loved this! The voice was great and really pulled this reader in. It's a winner in me books.

Trina Courtenay04/25/07
P.S. The title drew me in.
Mona Lisa04/25/07
Torrentially funny! I like the article's flow from the days of past to the days of present with a zinger punchline at the end which really brought the message up to date.
Marilyn Schnepp 04/25/07
I might have found this humorous if it weren't so PITIFULLY true; and the truth hurts. However, I loved the play on words in the title. Kudos!
terri tiffany04/26/07
Great funny writing!! Congrats on your win!! Good work:)
Loren T. Lowery04/26/07
Hilarious monologue - thanks for the laughs - something I could really use today.
Congratulations on your well-deserved win!
Cheri Hardaway 04/27/07
I loved your title! As I "age" I can feel some of these same sentiments creeping up in me! Nice job! A well-deserved commendation and EC spot! Blessings, Cheri