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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)

TITLE: Duly Elected Representative of the Beasts
By Philip Barnes
04/16/07


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“I have to do what?!”

“Well, sire… did you read it?”

“I’m the king. I am still the king?”

“Technically yes…until next month.”

“See, as king I don’t have to read things. Now show me”

A large sheet of paper was produced, “We the beasts of the wild, in order to form a more perfect union…blah…blah…pursuit of happiness…blah…ah, here. … will hold an election for the purpose of selecting a duly elected representative of the beasts. And you signed the bottom.”

The large lion grabbed the paper from his herald, a rather rotund hippopotamus. “Why did I sign this constitution?”

“Remember the student rebellion.”

“That thing where all the monkeys were throwing mud at the palace?”

“That wasn’t…Yes…When the monkeys were throwing mud. Foul smelling mud.”

“So I’m running to become the Duly Elected Representative of the Beasts?”

“Yes, sire.”

“Not nearly as catching as King of the Beasts.”

“No, sire.”

“Can I call it D.E.R.B. for short?”

“I suppose so, sire.”

“Do we have a plan?”

The hippo clapped and the palace doors opened. In walked two large rats wearing finely tailored suits. They bowed before the king.

“Hawthorne, are those rats?”

“Yes, sire. The best we could find.”

“Your Kingness. We was told of the most unfortunate situation that yous have gotten yourself into. Vinny and me’s wanchew to know dat we got everything under control.”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“Hawthorne?” The lion’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Top notch, eh sire?”

The lion placed his paw on his face, “I’m in so much trouble.”

“You was until Vinny and me showed up.’

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“Now, the first thing we’s got to do is change your image. Have you ever had a pedicure?”

“I need a gazelle.”


TWENTY DAYS UNTIL ELECTION

“Was it bad?”

“Well, next time try kissing the baby giraffe instead of eating it.”

The campaign office door flew open as Tony and Vinny the rats scurried through the door. “This ain’t no problem. Everybody’s got something dat wrong.”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“Don’t you’s worry. Vinny and me’s, we already took care of everything.”

“I tried to eat a baby giraffe.”

“There are pictures of its little neck hanging out of his mouth like a …”

“Hawthorne, please don’t help.”

“Yes, sire.”

“So, how do we take care of this?”

“Simple!”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“Vinny and me’s let it slip that you’s were a vegetarian.”

“A vegi-what. No!”

“Sire. If it would help I have a great recipe for an herb and spinach salad that is to die for.”

“Hawthorne. What did I say about helping?”

“To don’t.”

“Precisely.”


SEVEN DAYS UNTIL ELECTION

“Now alls you got to remember is that you’s are for babies, migration, hibernation, nocturnal, flightless birds…”

“Except emus,” Hawthorne added.

“Except emus. You’s are pro stripes, spots, splotches, scales, feathers, shells, and mud. That is big for the wildebeests.”

“…shells, and mud. Got it.”

“You are anti meat, antler crashing, using the lagoon as a bathroom, and vine swinging taxes. That ought to help with the monkeys. That’s all. As long as you’s remember to keep your tail down, your hair parted, nails trimmed, teeth clean, but not too white, and no growling. You’re golden.”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“I’m fifth in the poles behind a snake and a warthog!”

“Don’t you’s worry. Vinny and me’s just got some dirt on the warthog.”

“He’s a warthog. He’s always covered in dirt. Look guys, I’m not so sure I like where this campaign has gone.”

“Woa, big cat. Now’s not the time to be changing the whole strategy. You give Vinny and me’s a couple more days and we’ll turn this thing right around.”


ONE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION

“I lost to a zebra.”

“There was no way we could have predicted that. He was kinda a dark horse.”

“And a light horse, sire.”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

“How was Vinny and me’s to know that people wanted a guy who would be so black and white on the issues.”

“He’s a zebra! Do you think I could eat him now?”

“I would not recommend it sire. It might hurt your chances next election.”

“So has the exit polling come in saying why people didn’t vote for me.”

“Vinny and me’s were just about to go over dat.” The two rats scanned the sheet and laughed nervously. “Alls it says is dat people just wanted a change.”

“Yeah, forget-about-it.”

The lion grabbed the paper and read the headline, 83% OF BEASTS DON’T TRUST RATS. When the lion looked up his advisors were gone.


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This article has been read 529 times
Member Comments
Member Date
James Wood04/19/07
Just on the shady side of brilliant. With some dedication, this could be the premise for a screenplay.
Julie Arduini04/20/07
Yes, I could picture this with each vignette. Mud throwing, eating the baby giraffe, this was all great descriptions, dialogue, and smooth. Great ending, very nice!
Verna Cole Mitchell 04/21/07
This was an excellent satire.
Lynda Schultz 04/22/07
Do you have a congressman, senator, president, premier or prime minister you could send this too? They might learn something. Great work!
Misti Chancellor04/25/07
Great story! :-) I noticed where you threw your brick that you're from Oklahoma. Is this in any way representative of Oklahoma politics? :-) (I'm from Oklahoma, too, I can ask that.) :-)
Jan Ackerson 04/25/07
This is absolutely my favorite this week. Had to clean off my monitor after the bit with the baby giraffe.
Shari Armstrong 04/25/07
This is Grrrreeeaaattt (yeah, I know he's a lion and not a tiger, but you know..I had to!). LOVED it! The rats were a riot! lol
Shari Armstrong 04/25/07
This is Grrrreeeaaattt (yeah, I know he's a lion and not a tiger, but you know..I had to!). LOVED it! The rats were a riot! lol
Val Clark04/25/07
Oh, I really enjoyed this. And I bet you did to. Fast paced. Fun dialogue and the occasional description that lifted the story and defined character: 'The lion placed his paw on his face, “I’m in so much trouble.”' A funny story that packed a punch.
Philip Barnes04/26/07
Thanks for all the great comments. Yes, I had thought of turning this into a screenplay. No, I did not have any one politician in mind. (being satirical do you really think any of them would get it). And Yes, I am in Oklahoma, where I thankfully allow politicians to have very little influence over my life, a necessary evil. ;)
Kathie Thomas05/09/07
Apologies for contacting you this way but we need your bio note please for the Faithwriters book "Hidden in the Hymns". Can you please contact me?