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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Write in the HUMOR genre (04/12/07)

TITLE: Care For An Apple?
By Joanne Sher


I never should have gotten out of bed this morning.

As soon as my eyelids opened at 6 a.m. I should have reached behind my head for the medicine bottle, grabbed a few sleeping pills, swigged them down with the warm can of Dr. Pepper that had been sitting on the headboard for days, and closed my eyes again. The minute my droopy eyes registered the presence of a three-foot tall woman with a long flowery dress, a pink floppy hat, and an orange cauldron, I should have rolled over and just gone back to sleep.

Unfortunately, I didn't. Instead, I asked her what she was doing in my bedroom.

"Looking for you." Her voice reminded me of door hinges that needed oiling, or an old rocking chair. "Got a message for ya."

Well, that got me curious. I sat up on the side of the bed.

"What kind of message?"

"I dunno," she squeaked. "I think the kind that tells you something."

This was when I should have lifted her by her pudgy little arms and drop-kicked her out the bedroom window. But, being the model citizen I am, I simply rephrased the question.

"Who is the message from?"

The woman put down her cauldron and sat on it. It appeared to be somewhat bigger than she had thought, for her rear sank a good six inches into it. She almost looked like a turtle that had gotten stuck upside down. Oddly enough, she didn't look the least bit uncomfortable.

"It's from your horse."

I pondered this for a moment. Only a moment, I tell you, because I was already getting a headache. "My horse has a message for me?"

My visitor nodded. "Wanna hear it?"

I nodded. I figured if my horse (who was in a stable a good hour away, by the way) took the trouble to get a "little person" to come to my house at 6:00 on a Saturday morning to tell me something, I might as well hear what it was.

"Well, let's go see him. And bring some apples along." She stood up awkwardly, pried the cauldron off her bottom with a pop, and handed the pot to me.

This lady seemed to be in a hurry, so I put the cauldron down on my bed, dressed quickly, and ran a brush through my hair. I headed for the kitchen, where I rinsed out the cauldron (I knew ONE place where it had been) and put half a dozen apples in it.

When I returned to the bedroom, the woman was gone. I looked all over the bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom - every room in the house, and she was nowhere to be found. I even looked under the bed, and in the refrigerator. This strange woman seemed to have disappeared as mysteriously as she had arrived.

I began wondering if this whole thing had actually been real. Maybe I was losing my mind, or I had too much takeout Chinese last night and was having one of those dreams. Yet, I still had this orange cauldron in my hand. I pinched myself, but I didn't wake up.

I figured maybe I should head out to the stable. No matter what was going on, it certainly couldn't hurt to check on the horse, right? So, I grabbed my purse and keys (and the cauldron of apples, of course) and headed for the car.

As I sat and tried to put my purse and apples on the passenger seat, I solved the mystery.

"Took you long enough." There she sat, seat belt already buckled, tapping her fingers on the dash - which she could barely reach because of her short stature. "Let's get going."

We drove in silence, my eyes on the road. I don't think I even looked in her direction but once or twice, until about halfway there when I heard what sounded like several things dropping. Glancing her way, I saw a pile of apples on the seat. The woman, along with her cauldron, was gone.

So you see, officer, that's why I ran the red light and crashed into your cruiser. Wouldn't you have been distracted too? I'm really sorry, sir. It's just been one of those bad days. And now a ticket too, right? I really should have stayed in bed this morning.

Care for an apple, sir?

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This article has been read 1474 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Joanne Malley04/19/07
Welcome to the world of wacky, off-the-wall humor! I commend you and your ability to be strange and weird. That's a compliment! LOL What fun! Blessings, Jo
Rita Garcia04/19/07
This was a creative treat!
The ending was unexpected and had me ROFL!
Philip Barnes04/19/07
This was outstanding. I love off the wall, this was off the wall. I also love that we never get to know anything. Now I seems that this would also work for the mystery and if there is an up coming fantasy. GREAT JOB!
Jacqueline Zerres04/19/07
Very original and fun to read. I think I've met her!
Betty Castleberry04/20/07
This is charming. It's one of my favorites so far. I love the fantasy, and the ending is a hoot. Big thumbs up!
Sandra Petersen 04/20/07
I liked the twist at the end, and wonder how many policemen or state troopers hear equally off-the-wall excuses.

I thought the image of the cauldron being removed with a POP was pretty funny, and then the reason why the narrator rinsed it out so carefully: "(I knew ONE place where it had been)".

Thanks for sharing!
Julie Arduini04/20/07
This is amazing because you took the theme and ran with it, and I bet you had fun doing so. I thought this was well written, flowed well, and made me smile. I'd not only take an apple, I'd love to listen to stories like that anytime!
Sara Harricharan 04/20/07
Cute! I like the first line best...it makes the reader connect right away, but the second sentence is a tad too long (I couldn't stop to take a breath when reading it back for my cousin ^_^) I didn't see the twist coming with the police cruiser though. Nice trick!
Donna Howard04/20/07
A fun read. Very creative. You could have ended it with the next to the last paragraph, but I'm glad you didn't. The last line clinched her mood. Great job!
Verna Cole Mitchell 04/20/07
I loved this. I knew you were building for something, but I didn't know what. The ending is priceless.
Joyce Samuel04/21/07
Very funny! What really got me was the little woman's answer to the question about the kind of message she had. She said, 'The kind that tells you something.' Oh my! Of course a message should tell you something! Then the wrap up just about did it. The whole thing is so silly that I'm still laughing. I really liked it. Well done.
Bryan Coomes04/23/07
Nice bait and switch! I was so anxious to hear what the horse had to say... Overall it was quirky and fun.
Sheri Gordon04/23/07
This had me laughing out loud -- especially picturing the woman in the pot. The ending was totally unexpected, and came way too soon. (I know -- word limit.) I was enjoying reading your humor and wished it could have continued.
terri tiffany04/23/07
Great twist - I never saw it coming! I loved the voice and subtle humor all the way through - excellent!
Pam Carlson-Hetland04/23/07
I smiled all the way through and it kept me fascinated. Great writing. Great twist. Loved your descriptions on the voice and others. Excellent.
Jan Ackerson 04/23/07
Excedingly funny, and the bit with the cauldron just takes the cake.
Marilyn Schnepp 04/23/07
Held my interest, piqued my curiosity and I just loved the "excuse" to the police officer. Neat "out in left field" type humor. Not the belly laugh type, but the undercurrent of a smirk all the way through. Very Good!
Ed VanDeMark04/23/07
I run a program called STOP DWI.The cops that I work with tell me stories like this. It would take a rookie to buy that one. None the less I like your story it was fun. Keep on spinning yarns.
Ed VanDeMark04/23/07
I run a program called STOP DWI.The cops that I work with tell me stories like this. It would take a rookie to buy that one. None the less I like your story it was fun. Keep on spinning yarns.
Jacquelyn Horne04/23/07
A funny thing happened on the way to the ticket. Good story (tale) here. Anything to excuse a traffic error. Too funny.
william price04/23/07
I thought I heard them all:) Excellent entry. Very entertaining, funny and smiles galore.
God bless.
Marc Smith04/24/07
This is an amazing piece. The ending came out of nowhere! I love surprise endings and this didn't fail to please. You keep the reader interested in hearing the message from the horse and then blind side them with the end. Wonderfully done. The beginning seemed a tad forced, but it by no means distracts from the piece.
Tabiatha Tallent04/24/07
Too funny. Never trust a little person with a cauldron. LOL
Shari Armstrong 04/25/07
Very imaginative. Lots of fun :) But, was there really a horse? hehe
Catrina Bradley 04/25/07
This is what happens when you mix a great writer and a great imagination. Great descriptions - I could see it all, especially the vision of the little woman in the pot, like an upside down turtle. I love how you thew us for a loop with that ending.
Helen Paynter04/25/07
Laugh after laugh after laugh here - this has got to do well. (Also well written, I should add)
Val Clark04/25/07
From the first word to the last I throughly enjoyed reading this engaging story. Very visual with a totally unexpexcted twist at the end. yeggy
Cheri Hardaway 04/25/07
And an orange cauldron to boot! Funny! The last line just takes the cake! Thanks, Cheri
joe hodson04/26/07
This was funny. The woman was creepy. I loved your surprise ending!
joe hodson04/26/07
another thing...i also loved how you described the woman when she sat on the cauldron. God bless!
Edy T Johnson 05/18/07
Here I was thinking the pudgy little woman would turn out to be the narrator's little daughter with a big plastic tricks-n-treats basket. You have quite a delightful imagination, and I loved the surprise ending, too.

And, I'm glad I came calling (and got to read this) to thank you for your comment on my historical entry. Much appreciated!
Sherri Ward09/23/07
Loved the little gal - and I'm laughing. Yet, I am a bit disappointed - I really wanted to know what the horse had to say! You write very well, this is great.