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Larry the Liar
“Ted you old dog, I haven’t seen you in a coon’s age.”
“It’s been a while. What’s happening Larry?”
“Where you been hiding?”
“Here and there.”
“You eating alone?”
“…yes.”
And I bet you're planning on joining me.
“Me too, mind if I join you?”
“Sure have a seat.”
Would it make any difference if I did mind?
“You still playing softball?”
“Naw I quit ten years ago. How about you? You still playing?”
It’s like he ever really played, perennial right fielder.
“I’m still tearing up the league. Nine homers this year.”
“That’s great.
He never got the ball off the infield in his life.
“Made first string on the all star team.”
“That’s great. Forty eight years since graduation and you’re still going strong…wow that’s amazing.”
And 90 pounds over weight.
“Yep, awarded my third straight church league golden glove.”
“I think I’ve got about a dozen of them in the attic.”
I don’t remember the league ever handing out golden gloves but if he has three I must have at least a dozen.
“They moved me to pitching. They put a jugs gun on my fast ball 68 mph.”
“I did that once too, I think mine was clocked at 84.”
It was actually 48 but I’m not going to tell this guy that.
“I lead the league in stolen bases too.”
“I understand that one. Twice I got a home run on a bunt. Can you imagine that the full circuit on a bunt?”
I never stole a base in my life but nobody kept any records so it’s what ever I say it is.”
“The school retired my uniform a couple years back.”
“I didn’t realize you played on the team.”
I’m positive I heard he failed gym.
“Actually I lettered in three sports.”
“Ping pong, frisbie, and spelling bee?”
“I can see you still have that brilliant sense of humor.”
“You're too flattering.”
“…but I’m sorry to tell you it’s us jocks that got all the girls. You glib guys just got our left overs.”
“Actually I dated Miss USA when I was in college.”
I never missed the televised finals.
“My wife is frequently mistaken for Jennifer Aniston.”
“Then who is that 300 lb beauty over there trying to get your attention?”
“You and your sense of humor.”
“Are you still writing situation comedies?”
“Writing no way, no self respecting athlete would do a sissy thing like that.”
“Oh come on now you have a real gift for fiction.”
“I think my wife must be done with her shopping, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to leave.
“Before you finish your fourth helping of mashed potatoes?’
“Gotta go. It’s been nice chatting with you. We’ll have to do it again some time. Bye.”
“I’ll meet you here next week same table same time.”
“Sure buddy, next week.”
Larry leaves, Ted flashes a wide smile then turns to the waitress.
“I always thought Baptist were supposed to be honest,”
she responds.
“And I thought Methodist were supposed to be kind.”
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