The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/11/07
Delightful Title, Story and Ending from a Writer's viewpoint. From a reader's viewpoint, however - the reader lost interest while waiting for the climax; "ho hum, yawn"..while wishing it would cut through to the obvious ending. Suggesting, of course, story could've been shortened to an exciting and immediate ending w/ impact. (Remember...only one reader's opinion and comment) Nice job of writing and very creative story, however.
01/11/07
PS: perhaps "fast-paced" is the word I am looking for.
01/11/07
I loved the first part of this; it had a sense of "you are there-ness" and I could see and smell everything right along with Penny.

I was startled when I discovered, halfway through, that Penny was a little girl--I had her pegged as a homeless woman. Perhaps establishing that earlier would be more effective?

Great story-telling skills--thanks for this strong entry.
01/11/07
I think this is such a delightful story - I love the little things, like when she picked up the garbage and put in in the can when looking for change. I kind of expected the baker to run her off and was glad when he offered her help, AND a bath. Great read.
01/12/07
One of the most sensory pieces I have read so fat this challenge!
01/14/07
This was a very enjoyable read. I particularly liked the paragraph where Mr. Zarba stumbled...well, not that he stumbled, but it placed me right in the middle of things. Made for a great visual, and I could "see" exactly what was happening. Good work!
Pat Guy  
01/15/07
Well ... THIS one is precious.

Well written, creative, well put together, atmospheric, great characters ... um ... do you want me to go on? ;)

This is one great story. I LOVRD it.
Pat Guy  
01/15/07
LOVED it! ;)
01/15/07
I rather enjoyed it too! I even felt what she felt smelling the coffee and dougnuts! mmmmmmm . . . the only thing I had any problem with was the duffel bag. She had it, then she didn't seem to have it, then she did again. Clearly, this was not an issue just me and my too observant self, unless of course it comes to my own writing. LOL I sort of knew it was a little girl though so no worries there. Very nice story.
01/15/07
I need a donut now in the worst way. Thanks alot! I shed a tear for both the baker and Penny. I know how good the baker felt helping, doing the opposite of what the girl expected, and I could feel Penny's heart warm when she was greeted with the baker's kindness which was probably more rewarding than the donut.
Excellent title, I loved the ending and your story made me want to do something unexpected for somebody, and of course, eat a fresh donut, which actualyy means two or three. A great over all entry. God bless.
01/15/07
Awwww, how sweet. You capture the reader by making them care about your characters. Like Sue, I did notice a couple discrepancies - probably only because I look for them. Still, a great read.
01/15/07
I liked this a lot. Very well written. Great job.
01/15/07
Well-crafted and heart-warming. I pictured a young girl during the 30's, the depression, though the story doesn't make that clear. I wondered if you were picturing the same girl as I was.
01/16/07
loved it, especially the ending.
01/16/07
Vivid, sensory story with a heart-warming ending. I did enjoy this. Do I agree with the first comment about losing pace? Maybe just a tad - something about her looking, then him dropping the donuts, then her walking away. I loved the ending, though.
01/16/07
I really enjoyed this story and thought the twist on the little girl's name was excellent.

You described the bakery smells and Penny's need very well. The only part I was a little unsure about was whether Penny, being fairly streetwise (at least she seemed to be), would allow anything beyond Mr. Zarba's generous gift of the donut.

A very sweet story; makes me want to know Penny's family life and whether the Zarba's become almost like family to her. Well done!
01/16/07
I liked this story a lot. It was cute, and the play on the girl's name was great. ^_^
01/17/07
Such as sweet story! I loved the old man coming after the little girl and his wanting to help her in the way that he could. His gesture is a reminder that we can all do little things that can make a big difference in another’s life. I also liked the baker’s lighthearted comment that his wife would be the one to give the bath. You have received a lot of good suggestions here, and I hope that you will revisit this lovely story. Both your characters are wonderful, and I liked the little girl’s name as well.
01/17/07
Awww, cute! I thought this was a sweet story and I loved the ending!
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