WANTED: A genuine best friend. Someone who likes cappuccinos, shopping, and chick-flicks. As long as you let me pick the movies. I'm kind of a control freak.
1. Must be loyal. Every friend I've had in my life so far has abandoned me at some point. I would love someone to actually stick around for more than a year.
2. A good sense of humor is mandatory. There are several women in my church I love to make fun of, so you must be able to laugh at the stupidity of others.
3. An absolute requirement is that you are a good listener. Because I am a good talker.
4. Availability - I suffer from insomnia and have been known to call my friends in the middle of the night, or early morning hours just to chat. You must be willing to take these calls.
5. Have a valid driver's license. I lost my license last year due to another DUI so I need someone who can provide me with transportation to the grocery store, the mall, and the gas station to buy cigarettes.
6. Must be financially secure. Since I have no driver's license, I cannot get a job. I need someone who will be willing to fork over some cash at least until I get my license back, which is only two years from now.
7. Most importantly, I need someone who is quick to forgive. This has been a problem with my friends in the past, hence my posting this ad.
Friendless in Seattle
What are you, insane? No one is going to respond to this completely selfish, ridiculous WANT AD. You have to learn to BE a friend before you can go making demands like this! It's no wonder you can't find friends. You are nothing but a leech - latching on to anyone that can give you what you want. Unbelievable! Look forward to being friendless for the rest of your life!
Amazed at the audacity!
Look no further - your friend has arrived! Please review my responses to your requirements to see if it's something you can live with. Oh - and although I don't drink cappuccinos, and don't care for shopping or chick-flicks, I'll tag along with you when you go. I'll let you choose the movie but hopefully, soon, you'll be asking me for my opinion first.
1. I will always be faithful, even if you treat me like dirt. I guarantee that I'll be around for much longer than a year - a lifetime, if you'll have me.
2. I have a wonderful sense of humor but laughing at the expense of others will not be tolerated.
3. I am an excellent listener. Talk all you want but at least try to keep the complaints to a minimum.
4. I will be available 24/7. Sleep is not something I care much for anyway.
5. Although I won't be able to pick you up in a vehicle and transport you to the grocery store or the mall, I know a couple of organizations that would be more than willing to get groceries for you. Because you don't have a car, there really is no reason for you to go to the gas station. As soon as we meet, we'll have a little chat about the cigarettes
6. I have much in the way of riches to offer you, although not the kind you're used to. But I would be more than willing to assist you in finding a job close to your home. You can only be blessed by what you put your hand to. If you're willing, I am able to help you.
7. Forgiveness comes easily for me. In fact, when you ask for forgiveness, a minute later, I won't even remember what you did.
I hope to hear from you soon. I would love to have a friend like you!
Di D. Foryu
Dear Di D. Foryu,
Amazed at the audacity was so wrong! Your response was a godsend and I so look forward to meeting you! We'll have to discuss a few of your comments (like the one about the cigarettes) but you sound like more than I could have even imagined! I can't wait to begin our friendship…
Hopeful in Seattle
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