The Official Writing Challenge
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11/24/06
Yeah, I like it. Clever use of the sweater to represent its forgotten owner. What a creep! My fingers are itching to give him a slap. I especially liked the way you used brief punchy sentences to add impact. 'Suburbia waited.' Good stuff.
11/24/06
I loved the pace- it fit perfectly. Loved the irony of his life - happens to too many. Good detail - especially the sunset line. You did great with showing his emotions through actions. Nice:)
11/25/06
Very good. I loved the irony of it all!Trying to escape and not changing behavior lands us right back in our thoughtless situation. Thank you for a good read!
11/25/06
Very amusing. Smartly written with a slight edge to it. I liked the use of the sweater. I just hope it wasn't a wool sweater (inside joke).
11/25/06
One more thing. I even like the fact it was cold, old, forgotten, unfinished coffee that stained the sweater.
11/25/06
And how the sweater was used to clean up his mess, his anger, etc.
Excellent imagary.
11/26/06
Definitely wonderful imagery here. This story was excellently put together and presented. Great stuff!
Hi Sue ... and yes, (just like last week!) ... hinting has already started.

I really liked this. It is well written. I particularly liked the believability of the main character. The unrelenting honesty of your depiction of him makes this quite a dark piece ... but that is no bad thing, given what you are communicating!!

I struggled a little with the sweater arc ... I assume it was the daughter's?

As much as I admire the writing in this (and I really do!), if I was to be brutally honest ... and I think we both want comments like that, so that we can understand how to improve so we can place more often ... I would say that this piece lacks that special something that really grips the reader, and makes them care about the main character ... or even his girlfriend.

God bless,
Steve
11/28/06
Hey Mr. Stephen! Then you would have loved my first version which had too many words so I had to cut down. It brought a little more closure. But then, after I cut the words, I actually liked the story better because it shows how desensitized some have become to what family and kids are. As usual though, I LOVE your comments!!!
11/28/06
Hey Sue, Great story. While I loved how the sweater tied it all together, it wasn't until the very end that I figured out Casey was his daughter. In the first reading, I was assuming it was another girlfriend, wife, etc. Might have been useful to add "his daughter" to clarify. Just a thought. Otherwise, very well crafted and thought provoking about how disposable kids are in our disposable society. Excellent.
11/28/06
You did an awesome job with this despicable character!
Such a good story showing such a lost soul. You almost want to feel sorry for him. Well done.
11/29/06
I sure didn't feel sorry for him. In Portuguese we say, "Bem feito!" (well done on him) He deserved it!
Great story telling. I like your fine tuned main character. Where is this guy, anyway? I've got something I want to say to him.
I have to agree about there being some confusion about the daughter. You start out by saying that 'they met at an office party' and he's thinking about her. Marcy would be waiting and he had a girl's sweater with an unimportant owner. I think that all combined to give the impression we were reading about a womanizer.

Once I figured that out though, I loved the irony of his situation and enjoyed the story. Having an ex myself who never wanted kids and used to fit his son's visits in around important things like doing laundry, I could totally relate to his "it's your turn to get stuck with her" attitude.
11/29/06
This was great, I loved the use of the sweater and the way you portrayed the character. Good job!
11/29/06
You described this difficult character very clearly. I hope he does better with his second child, but one can only hope. Very well written. I enjoyed reading this very much. Thanks for sharing this.
11/29/06
oh the irony. It took me two reads to catch everything though. But I enjoyed it.
11/29/06
Some people never learn....