Reporter Eli: Our next guest tonight claims he.... Well, he claims.... Why don’t I let him tell you? Come on out!
Guest: Ahoy matey! Thank yous for havin’ me as your guest tonight.
Eli: My pleasure. Now, before you tell us your story, what is your name?
Guest: Well, me full legal name is Sir Laurence Leonard Leroy Levi Lancelot the Fifteenth. But yous can call me Larry the Lifeguard.
Eli: Erm… Thanks. So, Larry, tell us what you saw.
Larry the Lifeguard: Well, ‘twas quite bizarre, actually. There me was, on me lifeguard chair on the beach, when a huge storm came a pourin’ in. I had to get everyone outa’ the water quick. Then, me looked out and saw a ship tryin’ to make it to shore.
Eli: There was a ship out in that kind of weather?
Larry: Well, theys got caught in it unexpectedly. ‘Twas a perfectly fine day before the winds and the rains started. Me looked out there, and me could just make out the occupants of the boat throwin’ cargo overboard. That didn’t help, so they started a castin’ lots. Well, me bein’ an ex-pirate and all, me could tell what those scoundrels were doin’. Theys were goin’ to throw the loser overboard to fend for himself!
Eli: In that kind of weather?
Larry: ’Twas their only choice. So me started to grab me blow horn to get some help. As soon as they threw that poor man overboard, the storm stopped. ‘Twas completely calm. ‘Twas the strangest thing me ever saw. Me got in me boat to rescue him, when all of a sudden a large fish came and swallowed him whole!
Eli: A whale swallowed him?
Larry: No, a large fish. I started a blowin’ me horn as hard as me could. Me fellow lifeguards came up, and I told them what me had seen. Me supervisors thought me should have prepared for this, and that me had prior warnin’, and transferred me to this here town near Nineveh. “Disorderly conduct” theys called it; thought some time away from me old town near Tarshish, in a town where less people are thrown overboard and swallowed by large fish, would do me good.
Eli: What happened next?
Larry: Well, three days later, me was on duty in this here town. And the large fish came up to shore.
Eli: That same whale?
Larry: Large fish. And yes, ‘twas the same one. This fish swam up and spit up the man who was thrown overboard!
Eli: So this whale...
Larry (interrupting): Large fish...
Eli: This “large fish” spit up a man onto the shore?
Larry: Well, now that me thinks ‘bout it, ‘twas much more violent than merely a “spit.” ‘Twould say it more projectile vomited him out, actually.
Eli: Thank you for that lovely image. I shall send you the bill for the counseling I will have to go through to get that image out of my head. Now, Larry, how do you know this was the same whale?
Larry: Large fish! ‘Twas a large fish. How many times do me have to tell you? Arggggh! Now everyone will be a talkin’ ‘bout this “whale” that swallowed a man.
Eli: Sorry. I seem to have touched a nerve there.
Larry: ‘Tis alright. How did me know ‘twas the same large fish? Well, how many large fish do you know that have a whole person a sitin’ in their bellies?
Eli: Good point. So, what did you do next?
Larry: Well, let me tell you, that man stunk like a whole pirate ship a full o’ digested fish! ‘Twas really hopin’ me wouldn’t have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him. But he hopped right up, started a kissin’ the sand, ran to the water to rinse off, then started a headin’ toward Nineveh.
Eli: Nineveh? Why would he go there?
Larry: Me heard him sayin’ somethin’ ‘bout followin’ the Lord, and a thankin’ Him for savin’ him. Me suppose the Lord wanted him to do somethin’.
Eli: You know, there are reports coming in from Nineveh about this man who arrived, telling them about the Lord, and how they should repent. You don’t think....
Eli and Larry: Nah.
Eli: Well, that’s all the time we have tonight. Join us tomorrow night when we interview Jonah, this fireball preacher that recently arrived in Nineveh. We’ll hear his message from the Lord right here. Until then, this is Eli Higgins signing off. Goodnight.
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