“Today’s weather matches my mood.” Those are my thoughts as I sit at an open window and watch an approaching storm stir waves to new heights on Lake Michigan.
It has been exactly one year since I became a widow. It has also been exactly one year since I became incapable of caring for myself.
Looking for a lifeguard.
Looking for a friend.
No former companions
With me at this end.
It seems as though all the friends I made through the years are unsure how to act around me now. The few who were brave enough to visit me initially are coming around less often. With each encounter, I wonder if it will be the last.
Sometimes I think everyone would have been better off if I had died in the accident along with my husband.
Drowning in an ocean
Lonely and ashamed.
Looking for a lifeguard
Save me from my pain.
My children think I should be happy to be placed in a small group home rather than in a nursing home. I suppose I should be. The view from this window is spectacular, even though I will never be able to walk down along the shore again.
“I’m so lonely, Lord. Why did you not just let me die?”
Fearing for a moment.
Fighting for a breath.
Looking for a lifeguard
Keep me from this death.
It would be easy to drown in my own sea of self-pity. Although this is one anniversary I would rather not be celebrating, the thought of spending the day in hopeless depression does make me want to refocus.
As I watch what I thought was a storm die down, the waves cease their raging and become still. I can’t help but think of an old memory verse about still waters. It’s funny how the Lord can twist that old verse in my heart so that it is unique to my situation.
“The Lord is my Lifeguard, I will not pout. He makes me remember greener pastures while leading me beside the still waters of Lake Michigan. He has restored my soul. He has brought me here for His name’s sake.”
“Yes, I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but I don’t fear it because You are with me. You continue to comfort me. When no one I know is sitting at the table with me, Your Spirit taps me on the head and reminds me You are there. I am blessed. Surely You are faithful all the days of my life and I will trust in You, Lord, forever.”
Jesus is my lifeguard.
Jesus is my friend.
Helping me remember
On Him I can depend.
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