The Official Writing Challenge
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11/16/06
I liked the double meaning throughout the story. Your message is a good one and really comes through. “You knew how to save them—why didn’t you?” Although this was a somber piece I still had to smile at the meaning behind: “…it’s a bummer going to all those refresher courses.” A very clever and creative piece. Nicely done!
11/16/06
Excellent, excellent piece. Love the cut, love the subtlety, love the voices, loved the last few words. Perfection, as far as I'm concerned. I know who you are!
Great job!!! Powerful message done in a very unique way. Loved it!!!!
11/17/06
Wonderful allegory - cleverly done. Loved the name choices.

nitpik: I'd cut the last line, ending with the policeman's final words.
11/17/06
Exceptionally poignant allegory, and a great story even without it! I think everyone, if they look hard enough, will see themselves in this somewhere. I know I did!
11/17/06
Lots of "ouch!" value here. Great message well written.
I have to agree with all of the above comments and the nitpik. Dude, this is a masterpiece!
11/19/06
I love the way Lance talks. Clever names. Excellent message. Well done!
11/19/06
Excellent story that could be used as a "sermonette". I love it! Masterfully created! :)
11/20/06
"I mean, if I swam out there every time someone was in a little bit of trouble, I might offend ‘em, see? I don’t want ‘em to think I’m judging their swimming ability or anything." Yeah, ouch! Personally, I liked the last line - emphasized the point that while he defended himself, those people died. Great job.
11/20/06
Oh - a great lesson - hopefully people pay attention! well done.
Great message and so masterfully written! The ending was excellent
11/20/06
This made me laugh but there is an important reminder buried in the humor. Excellent article. Thanks for sharing it
This was a very good read. I like your main character's "cool" voice. Like the message in your story as well. Very well done.
Awesome dude, awesome! I loved Lance's voice. I also found his arguments strangely familiar ... now that is what I call an allegory!

For what it's worth, I disagree with the nitpics ... I think the last sentence adds extra solemnity
to the piece, and masterfully underlines the seriousness of such a laissie-faire (sp?) attitude to ... life-saving.

So ... who will stand in the gap ...?
11/21/06
This is exactly why you are in Masters, Jan. Excellent writing, great story and even greater message. This one commands the reader to stop and think. My toes got a little stepped on this morning...in a good way. A contender, for sure!
11/21/06
Wow. This one is funny, and yet hits way too close to home in some places. I also think the last line is perfect and adds a lot to the story.
11/22/06
Sucked me right in and then got me right where it hurts. Ouch. Well done. :-) Loved the voice and the characterisation. Subtle yet clear. yeggy
11/22/06
Brilliant Jan! I love your serious message, doused in humor, without diluting anything.
11/22/06
Way rad, dude! Like, it totally rocked! You'll, like, land a gnarly score!
wow...(speechless)
Very clever and very well done. And definitely 'ouch' material.
This was so much fun to read. "I am a handsome man..." Congrats on your win. Love it!
I reread this after I left my comment from memory. Jan, this was so excellent. A message that the church needs to read, delivered perfectly.