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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Police (10/12/06)

TITLE: The Right Man


Huddled in the corner of Gina’s bedroom closet I sat in urine-soaked pants. Able to contain my short breaths to quiet respites, my bladder, I could not control.

SMASH! The bat cracked against the closet door. She screamed. He must have missed her. He cursed.

If he knew I sat hidden inside the closet, Brad might have aimed for me next.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Gina asked, whimpering.

CRASH! He kicked the door. “You know why—don’t play me for a fool.”

A quiet and sweet girl, Gina and I had become fast friends after meeting at my cousin’s wedding. We sat at the same table of un-married guests. Right from the start I noticed Brad’s overbearing personality. He barely allowed Gina to speak two words in a conversation without butting in. At the end of the evening, Gina and I exchanged phone numbers.

A few weeks later she began going to a ladies Bible study with me. I was ecstatic when she told me she wanted to give her life to the Lord. However, she also told me that she hadn’t shared this information with Brad.

The closet door still vibrated from the impact of Brad’s foot.

“You’re crazy she said,” and whimpered more. “Let me go.”

“Not until you tell me who he is.”

“I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

SLAM! The bedroom door shut.

Silence enveloped the room. Did he leave? Or was she still there? Did he wrap his hands around her slender neck and steal her life away? Should I take the risk and open the door?

Relieved, I heard Gina sniffle, but I couldn’t be sure Brad left. Then I heard footsteps and the door slammed again.

“God wants me to keep myself pure—you won’t let me. That’s why I can’t be with you, anymore.”

I had shared my feelings with Gina about Brad. “He’s not the right man for you—he scares me,” I told her.

The shallow pools of tears that filled her eyes when she spoke about Brad led me to believe that he scared her too.

“How can you say it’s God?” He asked. “You’re saying you won’t be with me anymore because of God? That’s absurd—there’s someone else—I know it. You’re no more pure than the Hudson River.”

“I am now,” she said. “He made me that way.”

Brad cracked the bat against the closet door again. My heart ran faster than a heard of wild horses.”

“God made you that way?” he said sarcastically.

“Please, just go. Someone will hear you soon and they’ll call the police.”

“The police can’t save you—no one can.”

SMASH! BANG! BANG! Gunshots filled the room while I remained safe in the closet. I don’t know how long I sat there, but when I heard the police radio, I knew it was safe to come out.

Brad lay dead on the floor by his own hand.

I ran to my dear friend who lay gasping for air in the arms of a policeman.

Shivering and pale, blood seeped from the corner of Gina’s mouth.

“He said, ‘no one can save me.’ We both know he’s wrong, don’t we?” Gina said, gazing up at me.

I laid my hand on her cheek. “Yes, Gina,” I said, as tears streamed down my face.

Gina took her last breath.

Brad was right. The policeman could not save Gina. But at least I had peace knowing she was saved, and she would finally be with the right man.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Marilyn Schnepp 10/20/06
Teenage love...wow. Sad story. "herd of elephants" not "heard", (which I wouldn't have mentioned except it is Advanced Level...and I'm a bit more picky on critiquing higher-ups.)
Donna Haug10/21/06
This was a very intense story. I would probably try to reword this phrase: "my bladder, I could not control" to "I could not control my bladder." It flows a little better. No pun intended! EW! ;)
Peggy Bennitt10/21/06
Very intense! The first paragraph seemed a bit contrived, and at first, made me think about child abuse. You did an excellent job of conveying the terror that must accompany such a situation. Great job of "getting inside the head" of Gena's friend!