The Official Writing Challenge
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10/19/06
oh wow! You've been there, haven't you!!! Me too. It's AWFUL. Terrific writing. You carried me along and I related 100%. Good stuff.
10/21/06
Great story, terrific writing and a fascinating read. A real page-turner! a Triple Kudos 4 u!
10/21/06
"The expletive didnt do justice to any of Abishais relatives." I loved this line! It's a very effective way to include a vulgarity without actually using foul language. There is a knack to this and you handled it very well. Who says you can't get the real feel of bad or evil without actually using expletives. You did it, and did it well! This writing gave a real feel of what other people experience, often on a daily basis. Good job!
Your writing is superb, and your story engaging! You made it clear that sin and corruption are the same across cultures, but so is God's mercy and grace.
10/25/06
Well written throughout - unlike the officer, I don't even find a cracked lens.
10/27/06
This is the line I loved: "His jowls were quivering violently; his eyes seemed almost to shrink back into their sockets, leaving only two smouldering pits, dark with cruelty and spite."

Living in Asia, I also identify with the situation.@
I do know many good policemen, though, and others in official positions, who also benefit from their position in ways outside their salary. It is a tricky position. You've painted your guy totally 'black' and it worked well for the piece. HoweverC@@@@i@C@hV@jC@V@@C@@DDDD

f@D
10/27/06
Sorry - as I said I live in Asia and my input method on the computer just flipped itself to Chinese. I was being pointed but not rude as those little symbols suggest!

Anyhow, what I tried to say there is that what worked well in your piece is that you painted the deacon so much as 'light' and the policeman so much as 'black'. My concern is that, at least here, and I suspect there is the same, life isn't as black and white as we westerners like to make it. I have friends in high positions who are wonderful people but perhaps don't do everything by the book. Yes, power corrupts. But we are all sinful people and our sinfulness is expressed differently in different societies.

That's my criticism of your piece. That aside, it is excellent writing.

Can I make one final suggestion. Other readers like me LOVE getting feedback, and especially newer writers thrive on encouragement. May I suggest that for every constructive piece of criticism you make, you also give one encouragement. I hope I've modeled this above. It's just my rule of thumb.

May God bless you there in your work and keep you from being picked up on pretences for traffic offencesI