The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/08/06
I like this take on life and afterlife.
09/08/06
I felt the dispair of the first part. It felt heavy and helpless. Then the reassurance of safety in the arms of Jesus even though the effects of the hard life were still there. A little polishing would make it shine. Just a little example:

"knocked quite unconscious.
Unconsciously, you'll backwards"

The repetition of "unconscious" was a little distracting and I've never seen "backwards" used as a verb.

I felt breathless at the end - like I'd been carried down the rapids. Way to evoke feeling!
Thank you! You're absolutely
correct: backwards is an
adverb. No - that was a
typo; I should have double
checked this (twice) before
submitting it! J.
09/09/06
Great imagery! I enjoyed this!