Darkness, despicable and loathsome, clutches me.
Spent candles spill their fluids in thickening rivulets
Across a chipped and stained end table
That watches from beside the bed I swore Iíd never visit again.
Iím twisted, infected,
Lost to a river that drowns me in a current of my own depravity.
And it hurts to know
Just how weak I really am.
But the wine was disarming
And his eyes were deep.
His hands stirred in me sensations
That should be saved for another.
His lips, soft, warm.
I stumbled again today.
The nightlight flickers in the hall, beyond the door
With a poster of a lingerie model mounted on the back.
Empty bottles wink knowingly from the floor
Where my underwear and stockings mock me.
Iím shameful, awful,
Swallowed by a river that crushes me in the depths of my wanton lustfulness.
And it kills to learn
Just how corrupt I really am.
But the music whispered
And my heart beat wildly.
I was filled, needed, loved
In a way that should have come from another.
His flesh, close, electric.
I fell again today.
A movement, a stirring, beneath the sheet beside me.
His leg and chest glow beneath scattered luminance.
A smile lifts his sleeping lips. A dream? Of me?
I canít reconcile this. He isnít evil. Itís me.
Iím fallen, condemned.
Abandoned to a river of mortal sin that pulls me deeper, farther.
And it devastates to learn
That Iíll never reach the shore.
At least not alone.
I sinned again today.
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