The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
09/07/06
Oh, wow! What a heart wrenching story! You carried me to the depths with her dispair. I felt like the rescue and recovery could have been described with a little more detail to counter-balance the heaviness of the first part. I know word count is restraining though.
Very well written, with skilful use of dialogue. The opening paragraph is wonderfully evocative of life's beginnings (the river's fetal position and the pregnant stillness of the air).
You describe them coping with the deaths of their children with sensitivity and realism.
I only have two points to question, well three if I include the title, which is a bit 'bare' for such an emotional story, though I have no suggestions.
Firstly, I wish the story was more involved with its theme of River. It's merely a backdrop, which could as easily be a canyon. The reference to a heavenly river at the end doesn't really save it since the real river hadn't been particularly UNheavenly. I DO have a simple suggestion here and that is for the children to fall into the river and drown. Although this still doesn't make the river 'evil', so to speak, nonetheless it does imbue it with much more 'emotional responsibility' for the deaths than simply being a backdrop.
Secondly, you have two really heavy themes running in the story: grief and suicide. I accept that the latter was caused by the former but if suicide was intended to be the central theme, then somehow I feel it needed to play a larger part, perhaps beginning the story after the children's deaths and so concentrating more on ways to cope, among which is the most tragic, suicide.
But I was touched by the story, without a doubt.
09/07/06
As for Biodun - don't forget Samson's suicide...and it mentions in the Bible that he will be in heaven. So don't assume you won't see Biodun again. Just a thought...in case this is a non-fiction story.
09/08/06
I hung on every word. Great job.
09/08/06
Wow. Lots of great reading in this work. Thanks for sharing it.
09/08/06
Riveting....I found myself racing through it to see what would happen.
Your story is heart-rending. I felt the mother's emptiness and pain. Great job in the telling of it.
09/14/06
O, what griefs we have to bear! Your story held me throughout as I felt the pain and the loss. It seemed too much to bear, but you were saved, to tell it. Thanks for sharing.