The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/07/06
I liked the picture of a river of love. You have some beautiful thoughts in this poem. I felt it could have flowed a little smoother, but I still enjoyed reading it.
Lovely touches in your poem and a few I'm not so sure about:
Verse1: Great second line. Third line swooshes me straight into Revelation, always a nice feeling! But I'm not sure about a river not having a price (though I know what you meant of course.)
Verse 2: Great lines1&2. Ending Line4 without 'you and' would be better rhythm. Maybe 'us' instead of 'you and me'?
Verse3: I like the link between the Revelation river and the river out of Jesus's side, to remind us of the sacrifice it took to make paradise blossom.
V4: Again the first two lines are very good - I wonder why they tend to be your best lines? ('no' instead of 'not one' would be better rhythm)
Lines3&4 are weak. 'where he dwells' is simply repeating 'where he lives' and the implication is that Jesus lives in the river.
V5: 'The Tree of Life' instead of 'healing trees' would avoid the repeat of 'healing'and it would make the connection that John makes with Eden. This time it's V3&4 that shine out with uplifting thoughts and a good rhythm.
V6: Again an excellent opening couplet. The rhythm of the last line is better without 'is where'. I'm not sure of the scriptural reference, with the river going back to Jesus.
To sum up: the concept was good, taking the river in Revelation, especially linking it to the river on the Cross, and there are some lovely opening couplets to the verses. The whole is suffused in a peace which is occasionally broken by loss of rhythm.
Beautiful precious thoughts. I'm not one to review poetry because i'm not a poet myself, but I love your imagery.
I too liked the imagery in the poem, all pointing to the river of His undying love.