The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/24/06
What I like - You used some nice descriptions as they went to the reunion and painted a very nice scene of them coming together.
What I might change - The beginning paragraph could be broken up into something with more impact and the last line might be reworked some. Recheck your punctuation around dialogue. Also,The grandfather's story seemed abit forced or could be he said a lot in a long paragraph. Maybe beak it up with her asking some questions. It would be a lot for a younger child to take in all at once like that. And you want to make it real.:) You've got the content down and story line- just tighten it up some.:)
I like the obvious warmth that you convey in this family story. I have a few suggestions to offer that might assist you in tightening up this piece. Research other ways of introducing dialogue other than, "he says," "she answered," etc. Be careful about changing tenses back and forth. If you begin speaking in the first person, then try to deliver the story from the same perspective. When the little boy and his granddad are dialoguing about Uncle Sam, perhaps you might look for a "hook" to bridge the gap between service to country and service to Christ by developing the dialogue a bit more. It might be a bit too much information to dump on the little boy all at once unless you can tie the two concepts together. I enjoyed reading this piece. Family reunions were always special in my family as long as my grandparents were alive.
08/30/06
I liked the warmth and the message in this piece. Yes, it needs some work, but it is well worth reading. Thanks for sharing it. Can't wait for your next entry!