“This really isn’t fair Lord, I mean, You don’t know how things really went down. David’s been out to get me from the get-go and all this cock n’ bull nonsense about me being the bad guy just isn’t true. Ask anyone.”
And God smirked.
“Saul flung his head up. “That deal with the sacrifices – I was just afraid, and that old geezer, Samuel, wasn’t showing up. Heck, why do You always send the golden oldies anyway? We would have been far better off with some young prophet skipping over the mountains to do the sacrificing.”
And God glared.
“As for that little incident with Jonathan eating honey, how was I supposed to know he wasn’t around to hear me say that no one could eat??? You think I’d put a death wish on my own son? Huh God?”
And Jesus began to intercede.
"You know God, I really don’t think that You understood what I did for You with the Amalekites' stuff – I kept the best for You Lord! I didn’t even eat any of it, ‘cos I was going to sacrifice it all to You; You know - that whole burnt offering thing that You keep demanding - I just thought You were going to change Your mind and ask me to do that." He laughed.
And Jesus got down on His knees to pray some more.
“I really don’t think You knew what You were doing when You got me to hire David. I’ve heard rumors that I was “not all there” and David was the only one who could “fix my head”, but nothing could be further from the truth. I just felt sorry for him that he had such a cruddy life living with sheep all day, and only wanted the best for him. Palace life with beautiful virgins swanning around was my gift to him! My headaches went away because I saw him happy, not because he excelled at playing the harp or anything.”
And God raised two eyebrows.
“I’ve heard very unfair rumors that I was jealous of David, but that’s baloney. I was delighted to have such a brave man playing the harp for me. I loved to hold a spear as he played, because all that background music inspired me to new heights of creativity. I imagined myself in battle, killing my ten thousands, and once or twice I flung the spear as part of this virtual reality. How was I to know that David happened to be at the other end of my spear??? It was all a huge misunderstanding … um…twice … “
And Jesus cleared his throat.
"Aw, come on God, didn’t I give him my own flesh and blood to marry? Michal was a beauty! I could have arranged any kind of marriage for her with some foreign nation, but what did I do? I gave her to David!” Saul swaggered in a circle and checked his nails. “I’m really a good guy. That thing about the hundred Philistine foreskins – it was all a big joke. I didn’t want him killed! How could anyone think that of me? And by the way, those foreskins? Yup, I had ‘em dried and sewn into a wonderful rug for him – as an extra wedding present. See? I’m a real generous guy too.”
And God looked sideways at Jesus.
“That medium thing? That whole thing was misconstrued. I asked for a prophet, not a medium, but I was tricked. It was all their fault. When Samuel appeared and told me off, I was as shocked as You were! Me? Consult a medium. How dumb do You think I am?”
And God held His tongue - tightly.
"And all those lies about me hunting down David in the hills ‘cos I wanted him dead – I just wanted to bless the guy and he got totally the wrong idea – jeez!"
And two angels appeared at Saul’s side.
“But God, this is the God honest truth!” His voice began to fade as the angels carried him out of the presence of the Lord.
“But God, You’re just not seeing what I’m saying. Are You blind or something?”
And then Saul’s voice could be heard no more,
apart from a faint cry from the depths of hell, which was loud enough to reach across the chasm.
“You’re just not seeing this my way God. This is so uunnnffffaaaaiiiirrrrrrr.”
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