Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: SWEET HOUR OF PRAYER (don’t write about the song) (04/30/15)
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TITLE: Gethsemane | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jamie Boettcher
05/05/15 -
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Anguish etched across his face,
Overwhelming sorrow brings him to his knees:
“Father, is there no one else to take my place?”
One hand brushes soil from the front of his robe
As the back of his other hand wipes away the last tear,
Knee prints and claw marks left on the mossy floor
Time with the Father is the only remedy to his fear.
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Into the Garden he cautiously steps again
Repeating the posture and pleas said before,
While his friends lay soundly sleeping
He cries out his prayer once more.
The taste of salty tears linger on his lips
As he finds solace leaning against a weathered tree,
Even as he makes his bold request, he accepts his Father’s will
Fulfilling his purpose requires this tortured act of mercy.
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Into the Garden he searches for one more ounce of courage
Although his spirit is willing, his body still resists,
Even strengthened by an Angel
The ache in his heart persists.
Yet with a calm assurance, he leaves the shadows behind
And bids this sweet desperate hour of prayer “Adieu”,
The moment of glorious victory is now certain
As he lives out his decision to die for you.
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Nicely done, well written and certainly on topic!
God bless~
I'd like to suggest that you work on meter a bit. Poems with a quatrain structure and a rhyming pattern such as this one typically are more regular in metric pattern. There should be a consistent pattern in each stanza of number of syllables per line, and of stressed and unstressed syllables. For example, when I count the number of syllables in the lines of the first stanza, I get 10, 7, 11, 11. But the lines of the second stanza have 11, 14, 11, 15 syllables. The other stanzas, likewise, have different numbers of syllables. These should be more consistent.
Then there's the issue of stressed and unstressed syllables--in order to give your poem better flow, those should have a pattern as well. If you go to the FaithWriters forums, I have a few lessons in meter under "Jan's Writing Lessons." I recommend that you check those out for a more detailed look at using meter effectively in poetry.
Your use of repetition (Into the Garden...) at the beginning of each pair of stanzas is very effective, and gives your poem a lovely unity.