I’ve heard it said that each day, I either walk toward God or walk away from
Him. Whether or not I do it consciously, it’s a choice I make in each action, word or
thought. How I choose, what I choose and the timing of it all paint a picture of what I
really think of God.
This summer, I confess that my choice has been to actually dig a hole rather than spend time with Him.
It’s not deliberate rebellion where I say, “God, you’re not that important or interesting to me right now.”
Rather, it is passive-aggressive in that the dirt I’m compacting around me… surfing the net, eating,
visiting with friends, sleeping, playing with the kids, working, shopping, cleaning and organizing,
even doing ministry… has been walling my attention away from Him.
I can blame it on the busyness of life. I can blame it on mid-life crisis. I can blame it on
hormones or even summer vacation with kids home. I can spit out a lot of reasons but I
know that when I come before the Lord… not a single excuse is going to gain me the
“good and faithful servant” moniker before His throne… because I have not been loving
Him in the midst of most of this nor seeking Him first. Rather, I have been furiously
digging my hole deeper.
Sometimes I question God as to why He didn’t make me the type of person who leaps out
of bed for those early morning quiet times with Him, memorizes Scripture voraciously
and then goes and shares with everything that walks on two legs. My feelings of
inadequacy in these areas make the perfectionist in me just want to dodge rather than
depend on Him, dig holes rather than discover the truth of His love for me.
But after a summer of this, I find myself tired, dry, guilty, sour, overweight, and feeling
dirt encrusted, humbly asking Him not only for His forgiveness, but for the pleasure of
His company. Standing in the bottom of a dank, dark and lonely hole I’ve created, I can’t
go anywhere in my self-created prison, much less take a walk. But a walk with Him, in
His blue sky, in His fresh air, stretching my legs with Him by my side is the very thing I
want now more than anything.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of
the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place
to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2
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