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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Abundance (06/08/06)

TITLE: Second Chances
By Rita Garcia
06/14/06


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How could I have been so blind, not to see what was right smack in front of me? Charlie thought. Sixty-four years on this earth tomorrow, and now my daughter, the daughter I threw out of this house for getting pregnant, is coming to see me. Why now? Is sixty-four some kind of milestone? he thought. “I’ve always heard you’re a God of second chances. Please, let this be mine,” Charlie prayed.

***

“Why haven’t we met your father before?” Luke said.

“It’s a long story, Son. We're almost there,” Rachel said as she came to the long driveway that led up to the main house. “You see that house up on the hill?”

“Wow, it’s a mansion.” Luke said.

“That’s your grandfather’s house,” Rachel said.

“You grew up in that mansion on the hill?” Sarah said, her blue eyes opened wide.

Rachel continued up the wide circle driveway. As she stopped the car someone was there to help with their bags. Someone else offered to show them the way to where her father was waiting. Rachel walked into the still familiar entry. A crystal chandelier hung over a Victorian antique table with square legs and carved lion heads. Her mother had personally picked each piece of furniture. She breathed a silent prayer. Please, dear God give me another chance.

“Miss, if you’ll please follow me,” the butler said.

The butler opened the double doors. Rachel saw her father standing by the fireplace. Why must the tears come now? she thought.

“Hello, Rachel.”

“Father.”

“Grandfather, I’m Luke,” Luke announced as he shook hands with his grandfather.

“I’m Sarah.” Sarah stepped forward and hugged her newfound grandfather.

“Rachel, she is the precise image of your mother,” Charlie said.

“Yes, she is. Mother had the same golden hair and blue eyes.”

“It’s even more than that. She has the same expressions, the way her eyes sparkle when she talks. She even walks like her. May I ask how old you are?”

“Luke and I are both nineteen. We’re twins,” Sarah said.

Charlie looked over at his daughter, feeling the weight of years he had thrown away.

“Son, is your name Luke or Lucas?”

“It’s Charles Lucas, but I’ve always been called Luke.”

Charlie looked at his daughter, unable to hide his emotions. “After the dreadful way I treated you and you honored me in naming your son. I…I don’t understand.”

“In most ways dad, you’re the person I wanted him to grow up to be.”

“In most ways, I take it that doesn’t include being a parent?”

“That’s all in the past.” Rachel said.

“Would you all like to go freshen up before dinner? I’ll have Henry show you to your rooms.”

“That’s okay, dad. I still remember the way. I’ll show the kids up.”

After dinner, Charlie suggested they all go into the library. It had always been his favorite room in the house.

“Look at all the marble and leather, the tall book cases…I could spend hours in here,” Sarah said.

“You like books?” her grandfather said.

“Very much, grandfather. I love old books. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say your books are old.”

“They are dear, the same as me. You explore to your heart’s content.” Charlie laughed.

“Dad, if you don’t mind, I’m going to turn in,” Rachel said.

“How about an early morning ride?” her father said.

“I’d like that. I’d like it very much.”

Luke and his grandfather sat over by the fire. The flickering flames danced around the room.

“Grandpa, I never realized you were so successful,” Luke said.

“Success has many definitions, son. My business flourished. But I dropped the ball in many other respects.”

“You mean with mom?” Luke said.

“With your mom and with your grandmother, I didn’t realize it until it was too late. There’s a whole lot of truth in that old saying, ‘you can’t buy happiness.’ By that time your mom was living her own life and your grandmother was dying of cancer. If you equate wealth with money, I’m wealthy, but a second chance at true abundance has walked through my door tonight.”

***
In the coolness of the morning, Rachel walked down to the stables. Her father was standing next to the horses ready to go. The dawn was overtaking the darkness and casting its golden hues on the horizon. Rachel felt the freedom of the wind on her face as a glimmer of hope stirred in her heart.


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This article has been read 934 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sue Dent06/15/06
I absolutely loved this. The descriptions, the crisp dialogue. Not too much, not too little. And the way you started eased me right into it. Great job!
Andre Kingston06/16/06
I thought there was much good in this article, but that the best part was left out. I wanted to hear the why she xhose to see her father. Who contacted who? I wanted to hear her struggles with pain and anger to reach this point. I found that without those, the story was like reading the first page and last chapter of long story. I think you did a good job of writing the father. I think you did well in the details, but because the article was too short to contain the story, the details were too few as well. This would make a better book or novella than a challenge article. The fact that I had so much to say only says that what was there was well done and I want more. Miss Andre.
Marilyn Schnepp 06/17/06
Great story, but I'm with Andre - WHY was she coming back today?? Does she want money? Is she ill? Does she want an inheritance? We KNOW why she was kicked out many years before, but SO MUCH we don't know. Well written, however.
dub W06/19/06
Many things I liked here, and a couple of concerns. First, try to elimate many of the speech tags - he said.
Show the action of the speech. Secondly, be careful not to open stories within stories, that are not completed by the close - tough to do in 700 words.
I really liked the story overall; especially since it dealth with a part of life on which few write - the wealthy hurt too. Thanks for sharing this, I think you are starting toward greater things.
Jan Ross06/19/06
Compelling story! For me, the story was very visual -- I was right there with you through it all. I loved it! Thanks for sharing! :)
George Parler 06/19/06
Excellent visualization in your writing. The very first paragraph pierced my heart. Hit too close to home I guess. Had to stop and wipe tears out of my eyes before I could read the rest.

I agree that there are many unanswered questions that the reader will be left with, but other than that I was there from Hello Father to giddy up. It's never too late for reconciliation. I needed to hear that. Thank you.
Janice Giesbrecht06/20/06
I love the ending paragraph. The "dawn overtaking the darkness" symbolizes the light of reconciliation and forgiveness overtaking the darkness and pain of past hurts. Beautiful.
Lisa Vest06/20/06
I'll ditto alot of above comments, but my favorite part is the "double blessing" of the twins that Charlie missed out on, I'm sure that would've been an even more difficult thing for him to deal with. Good, easy to follow, clear writing.
Brenda Craig06/20/06
"feeling the weight of years he had thrown away." If this was the brunt of it that would be sad, however, as you described so well, just a little crack can open up grand canyons of restoration. Hope in abundance with God!
Jen Davis06/21/06
I loved this but I agree that there is much more to the story. Great dialogue that flowed well. A favorite line: "a second chance at abundance has walked through my door tonight." One suggestion would be to better describe the "someone" who helped with the bags and the other who showed them to her father. Also describe "Dad" as he is "standing next to the horses." Great writing!
Jan Ackerson 06/21/06
Moving story, well plotted. I'll echo the commenter who recommended getting rid of speech tags, and replacing them with short descriptions of the action. PM me if I wasn't clear on that. You're a very good writer, and this minor change will bump up your writing considerably, with very little effort.
Dr. Sharon Schuetz06/21/06
Rita, you did it again girl. I loved it. I agree with about the tags, but the story is flawless. I guess I can understand why she would choose to go home after 20 years or so. We all long to go back at times, especially when our departure wasn't on good terms. Great job.
Edy T Johnson 06/21/06
Your writing reminds me, somehow, of a Nancy Drew mystery [and how I do love a mystery!] only on a deeper level. Leaving your reader wanting more shows that you have written well. I shall have to keep an eye on you so I get to read more ;)


   
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