The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/19/06
I'm glad that she returned to her parents' teaching, although she had to go through great difficulty to get there. Be careful of word choices (inherent / inherit) and edit for spelling, word endings, etc. a bit more closely. Good job with writing dialog, and with giving us a story that moves right along.
05/22/06
I enjoyed reading your piece. It flowed well. The ending is ironic, those issues in the newspaper she didn't want to think about did end up affecting her.
I rearlly liked your story line. It was a really interesting and fast movinmg read. I have a few suggestions to make this piece flow a lttle easier. First, watch your adjectives. "Long body" and "long hair" were used in the same paragraph. Also, the opening seemed a tad "forced." You wrote "the sixteen year old camille." Skip the "the." And that sentance would flow a little better. I loved your ending. it was fabulous. But you "told" the readers what they should be thinking. If you skipped the last line she spoke, it would've been a more dramatic ending. The audience wouldn't have felt like they were forced the message and it still would be very clear what the message was. I am in no way saying this a "bad" story. You have a wonderful storytelling voice and I hope to encourage you in this and help develop that gifting which is obvious. A few minstakes, but your talent is there. keep writing and rewriting and you'll be pushing out masterpieces! Take care Rachael!
Jess
05/22/06
A ponderous piece that reflects todays attitudes very well. Money and freedom to live as one pleases with no restrictions - how sad. A high price indeed. Good job I'd say!
05/22/06
This has tons of potential - perhaps needs more than 750 words to really get into the characters and the circumstances. I thought Camille got her "sudden revelation" a little too suddenly in that last paragraph - a little kicking and screaming would more than likely have come first. I loved this line: "the wine flowed freely into lips well versed in its seduction". It flowed like the wine probably did. All in all, a good job.
Yes, good job on this contemporary story. And I too think the line about the wine flowing is exceptional writing.
This is a good story. You created believable characters and dialogue. I agree with the others, a little tightening up would make this into a fabulous story.
05/23/06
I like this. You tackled a couple of tough subjects that do indeed reflect today's attitudes, and I like the way you tied it with the topic.
Good writing. Nice job.
05/23/06
Great story-telling here. You've captured a lot in those 750 words! I would have enjoyed seeing Camille argue her point just a bit more in that dinner-party discussion before she gives up and goes to bed. Give us a bit more conflict/tension. Overall, a great effort. Keep it up!
05/24/06
Some major mechanical problems here that are easily fixed. A very interesting concept and fairly well told.
05/24/06
I read this and thought first what a good way you pulled the reader into the story. Yes, there were a technical errors here and there and maybe she did change too quickly but overall, your writing was very good and I can see you have much talent! Keep at it!