The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/19/06
This is a very precious idea--taking a trip on behalf of a parted loved one. I wasn't sure of its premise, though--you seemed to state that this was a real place, but the people inhabiting it were much more like allegorical characters. Once you clear up that confusion, this will be a sweet, tender story.
05/22/06
I did find confusion as well, but did see where you were heading. Just a tweak, some tightening and more clarification and you'll have a little gem. :)
This is a great story. With just a little work it can be priceless. I loved your characters and the concept. You have a great imagination.
05/23/06
Well, you already know how I feel about road trips! This reminded me so much of a couple of anique shops I've been to. Nice detail! And the influence the death of a close friend made . . . perhaps she saw it all just as you wrote or perhaps she just interpretted it this way. Either way it seemed to help her. A little eerie how so many entries this week had to do with someone dying. A light touch on prosperity but good none-the-less.
05/24/06
very nice. I had a bit of trouble following some of the detail with the way it was laid out but very beautiful story. :)
05/24/06
Some beautiful sentiment and well-penned phrases here!

I'll give you something specific to watch for that will help to tighten your writing. Your sentences almost always need to be grammatically complete ie. a subject and a verb. (I say "almost" because there are exceptions to that rule - but you need to prove yourself within the rules before you start breaking them.) For example, your sentence "In heat that makes your skin feel like you’ve been roasting over an open flame." - would be much stronger if you simplified it a bit and made sure it had a subject & a verb: "The heat made my skin feel like I'd been roasting over an open flame."

Overall, this entry showed great creativity and potential. Keep at it!