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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Hope (05/04/06)

TITLE: Life as a Sculpture
By Jeffrey Snell
05/10/06


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Circumstances' wave at crest hope soars above on soothing wings,
Drawing sight to possibility and freedom's crystal joy
And flight far above details mired in earth...but my flesh clings
To the valley's luring bath of sin, pungent oaths that jumping
In somehow heals the wound, satisfies an echo of my needs.

Joy's eternity twisted, urgency of the stream's flow dulled
I consider and doom my day in a moment of misled
Maturity; sliding deeper, further, clawing defeating
Itself and darkening the valley of illusion I fed,
Till sullen greetings from stone and soil and caresses from weeds.

Yet each stumble brings pain and promise; laced with grace this failure
Of my flesh strengthens surety of what must one day be.
Chips fly from falsehood with each err, chisels in His hand shaping
Stubborn corruption into Christ's reflection, forging brilliance
From Hell's pallid schemes and tangled, poisonous, plotting deeds.

Chagrined and shocked and awash in fury, even Hell's work
To a glorious end arrives, as bathed in the falls of Christ's
Affection and claim and nearing His design, my mind and will
A shortening path to restoration find, rejoicing, clean
To clearly see His hand remaining; my wound no longer bleeds.


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Member Comments
Member Date
dub W05/12/06
Add a chorus and you have the lyrics to a Christian, rock possibly, song. Work on rhythms and this could be viable.
Sally Hanan05/13/06
You have a lot of depth in this, and you are obviously very visual, as you have done a great job of describing what you see in your head.
I think the long lines make it harder to read. Try this:
Chagrined and shocked and awash in fury,
even Hell's work arrives
at a glorious end as,
bathed in the falls of Christ's affection and claim and nearing His design,
my mind and will find a shortening path to restoration,
rejoicing, clean to clearly see His hand remaining -
my wound no longer bleeds.
Val Clark05/17/06
I'm gonna contradict Sally here, Jeff. Changing the length of the lines will upset the rhythm, the beats just wouldn’t work. Also you wouldn’t then have line endings that jettison the reader into the next line. I love the way you have universalized the experience and allure of sin rather than listing specific sins, thus the reader is in the position to look at their own life. I love your one line of alliteration: ‘From Hell's pallid schemes and tangled, poisonous, plotting deeds.’ And the finish! So powerful and nuanced. Do you read the metaphysical poets? If you don’t, do! My experience is that hinting this late in the FW week will not glean you many hits, however, I’m gonna post this link over in Poet’s corner. This is recommended reading! Excellent work.
Brandi Roberts05/17/06
Wow. This was truly vivid. I'm gonna agree with Val on this. Well done!


   
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