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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Fulfillment (04/06/06)

TITLE: Madeemous
By Ann Darcy
04/12/06


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As I walked towards the cathedral my legs trembled at the thought that I was to be wed in less then an hour. Fear trickled down my back in a line of hot sweat. I tried to calm myself by humming one of the hymns I had grown up singing. It was no use, my marriage would proceed, and I would be trapped under Madeemous forever. I would march toward the altar like a lamb unto the slaughter, and then he would do with me what he wanted.

I thought back on all the prayers I had muttered in the past, going before God to release me of this promise my father made to Madeemous. My father traded my betrothal to Madeemous for a promise of wealth and standing in society. Father had always coveted wealth; and I was paying for it. Oh, God in heaven, I prayed, save me from this villain!

Visions of Madeemous’ house crept into my mind unbidden. The house looked exquisite, a lovely stone castle with a beautiful courtyard, like the one I had dreamed of as a little girl. He had pretty maids that brought him tea in the afternoons and served his few guests. The place was picturesque down to the flowers in the garden, but it haunted my dreams in ways I couldn’t fight. It was the perfect lie.

Madeemous was indeed in High Society; people followed him around like dogs after a child with sweets. He had everything anyone would jump after; wealth, looks, power and prestige. Most girls would love to be in my position, and I would gladly give it to them. I would sooner be a street rat then become a member of High Society married to Madeemous. There was always something demonic in his eyes when he looked down at me—something dark in his voice. I could not bare the thought of letting that man touch me. It brought quick tears to my eyes and burned at my cheeks.

“My dear, oh, don’t cry. I know this is the day you have dreamed about all your life, but crying won’t make it come any faster – it will just ruin your lovely painted face.” Mrs. Poltier said, startling me back to the present. Yes, this was the day I had dreamed about for months; I woke up sweating and raging with fear every night… there would be no “happily ever after” here.

A knock at the door told us the time had come. Oh God, please if you have any mercy, strike me dead now. Don’t make me marry that man, I prayed fervently for the thousandth time. I walked down the halls of the cathedral in my long white gown and a veil that covered my face. As I reached the doors two young boys pulled them open to the grand hall. There at the front of the hall was Madeemous standing with his evil gaze fixed on me. The music was playing and fear of Madeemous pulled me towards him, knowing if I ran my fate would only be worse.

I focused not on the man to whom I was about to be bound, but to the roof of the great hall.

“If anyone objects to the union of these two people, speak now or forever hold your peace.” The priest was saying. I hadn’t heard the rest, maybe I had even mumbled something on cue without knowing.

“I object!” Came from the back of the room. The voice sounded familiar and my heart stopped as I turned to see if it was right. There stood my best friend, Marc, I hadn’t seen him in six years, but I knew his face anywhere. “Rose may not marry this man, she must fulfill the betrothal made to me when we were but one and two years old. I have the papers, written by her mother, to prove it. To marry any other man would hinder the fulfillment of this vow,” he said with a grin. “Any man who stands between me and my beloved should prepare to meet our merciful Lord in heaven,” he declared as he came forward and pulled me away from the altar.

“Are you mad, boy?” Madeemous asked as we started down the isle, but was silenced when Marc turned around and gave him a look the Devil himself would bow too. Marc then grabbed my hand and we ran out of the building into the light of a beautiful day!


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This article has been read 565 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 04/13/06
I had a hard time fixing this story in time and place--the cultural cues had me bouncing from past to present, from "there" to "here." But I loved her rescue, and the "take" on "fulfillment."
Helen Paynter04/13/06
Quirky, humourous story. A couple of little typos but otherwise a very inventive take on the subject
Virginia Gorg04/14/06
I thought this was years and years ago, but it's modern? A few types (aisle, not isle), but an interesting read overall.
Pat Guy 04/17/06
Ooooo ... scary situation to be in. Love the knight in shining armor rescue! An enjoyable read!
Venice Kichura04/17/06
Very good! I felt your pain and thought you did a great job of ending it.
Crista Darr04/17/06
Great! I was cringing and hopeful right along with your mc. I suggest a stronger ending. Maybe set up the hero a bit earlier so it is more believable and expand the idea of the previous contact. Also, keep your writing concise - don't repeat too often. I see a lot of potential in your writing. Blessings!
James Clem 04/17/06
Britt,
This is good. Watch the grammar. A couple places you use "then" instead of "than". Same thing with bear/bare and "isle" was mentioned already.
Marc's appearance is sudden and feels too convenient ... perhaps she could hopelessly yearn for a childhood sweetheart. Gives a little more credence as to why she does not want to marry Madeemous. For the ending, I would really like to see her recognize that God answered her frantic prayers.
T. F. Chezum04/17/06
Good story. I agree with what James and Christa said about Marc's appearance. Overall it is a very enjoyable story.
Debbie Sickler04/17/06
I agree that the time period was a distraction because it wasn't clearly established and that Marc could have been mentioned earlier for believability.

The only thing I have to add which hasn't been mentioned already is the name/title you chose. It was a bit of a mouthful and slowed me down while reading, interrupting the flow of your story.

Having said all that, I really liked the idea of her being married against her will and then being rescued by someone from her past. The name Marc was a perfect choice since it's my husband's name, but he spells it with a k. ;)

I also liked the line: "Fear trickled down my back in a line of hot sweat." Good job.
Teri Wilson04/17/06
The first two paragraphs are outstanding. I agree with the other posters about the remainder. I love the idea of the rescue, but it seems pretty sudden. Develop the ending more. It has wonderful potential.
Jean Elizabeth 04/17/06
Enjoyable to read - good flow and comfortable voice. There were several typos but those are easy to fix. The ending came too abruptly - why didn't we know about Marc before? Good suspense though. I liked it.
Tim George04/18/06
I understand the need for more critiques. So here is mine.

You did a good job of pulling me into the mind and heart of the bride. The time period thing didn't bother me at all. In fact, I think it is sometimes better not to be so specific about time and place.

Observations:

"The voice sounded familiar and my heart stopped as I turned to see if it was right."

You might want to reword this sentende. "It was right". What was right? The voice? Her heart? Herself?

I'm not sure her childhood friend saying these words with a grin is appropriate. Somehow it takes away a little bit from the drama of the moment.

Just minor things and strictly a matter of the reader's viewpoint.

Good work - hope you can take a look at mine as well.

Fullfilment (i) - Intermediate
Garnet Miller 04/18/06
I liked this story. I wanted to know who Madeemous was really. I can add nothing to what was already said except to say that you have a beautiful beginning here. More suspense between Madeemous and Marc would cinch the ending.


   
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