The Official Writing Challenge
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04/13/06
Great stuff - really topical, too. Small point - I don't think you need to keep mentioning Eli/ Cleopas in that piece of dialogue where they're telling what happened. COntext makes it clear that it's not Peter or one of the others, and it would add to the feeling of urgency about their story to 'declutter' it of non-essential narrative.
04/13/06
Great stuff - really topical, too. Small point - I don't think you need to keep mentioning Eli/ Cleopas in that piece of dialogue where they're telling what happened. COntext makes it clear that it's not Peter or one of the others, and it would add to the feeling of urgency about their story to 'declutter' it of non-essential narrative.
04/13/06
This a wonderful story, and I'll second Helen's suggestion and take it one step farther. Avoid words like "said," "exclaimed," etc. Instead, use short descriptive phrases. Your writing will soar! Like this:

“We have seen the Lord!” Cleopas grasped Peter's arms.

“He came up dressed in a long robe, his face covered.” Eli's eyes glittered. “He asked us what we were talking so passionately about and I was astonished when he seemed unfamiliar with the Passover events.”

“We thought he was a recent visitor to Jerusalem.” Cleopas didn't wait for Eli to finsh speaking. “So we told him everything, from the unfair trial up to his crucifixion and the women’s vision of angels.”

04/14/06
I love retold Bible stories; but I like them best when they don't stray too far from the original. It was Thomas who doubted, not Peter; and I doubt if Peter was at the Mount of Olives - as the last we heard of him he had gone out and wept bitterly after denying his Lord. Anyway, a beautiful story retold with some new twists - but still touches the heart of us all. Well done.
04/14/06
I thought this was a very well-written piece. To politely disagree with the above comment, however, I really didn't think it strayed much from the original Bible story at all. In fact, it seemed pretty well researched. Just to be sure though, I went and read the original verses.

Sure enough, Peter was at the Mount of Olives....
"But Peter arose and ran to the tomb; and stooping down, he saw the linen cloths lying by themselves; and he departed, marveling to himself at what had happened." -Luke 24:12

....And it seems to me that Thomas wasn't the only one who doubted, either: "But they were terrified and frightened, and supposed they had seen a spirit." -Luke 24:37 (It doesn't spell out "doubt" but it seems to suggest it at least.)

Overall, I thought this was a well-written and fairly accurate piece. It was easy and simple enough to follow along, and I enjoyed reading it.
04/14/06
The road to Emmaus - one of my favorites. Nicely done and an easy read.
Well written, good job.