The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/13/06
Lively dialogue, and a believable scenario. Not sure about the ending though... am I missing something?
Liked the story...the ending left me hanging. It felt incomplete.
Aside from the ending (which is a little loose), this captured the sense of fullfilment in the simplest of pleasures (home and family), nicely. God bless.
04/14/06
Great story in dialogue! I liked the whole thing, including the ending. It's so typical of a family. Let's see if I got it right...true intimacy and fulfillment in marriage comes from sharing and caring about the things you have together - including interruptions like taking care of the poor dog's needs first.
04/14/06
You chose for the title of your article "Pillow Talk" and the last half of your story was devoted to this. But the real statement in the story, at least for me, was Timothy's first sentence; I want more. Isn't what the whole trouble with the world. We all want more, meaning we don't feel fulfilled yet. I would have liked the story to have focused more on the signifiance of Timmy's first sentence. Rich Mullins sings a song that states, "everybody I know says that want just one thing, but what they really is they want just one thing MORE."
04/14/06
I'm going to be difficult here; I disagree with all the above. The story was complete. It doesn't need graphical pictures to understand this sweet and lovely "pillow talk" story. Witty, creative and squeeky clean...loved it! But next time, take the dog out BEFORE lights out.
04/14/06
I agree with Marilyn all the way! Very realistic, loved it.
04/16/06
This is really good - funny, sexy and realistic, but is it a story of unfullfilment?
04/17/06
This is cute. I enjoyed it. It would be nice to see some white space between the quotes, though. Good job.
Good story. Spaces between the lines would have made it easier to read. Good job.
04/18/06
Thanks for sharing this! It definitely seemed realistic to me. The fact that the dog barked at the end seemed real to life (coming from one who has a dog). As far as the intimacy goes... Can't really say much, seeing as I'm single. Good story, thanks again!
04/19/06
I found this utterly charming!

When you write a piece with so much dialog, the words like "said," "replied,", etc., get glossed over, and they really don't add much to your piece. Consider the following minor revision of your last 4 lines:

“You better go see what’s wrong with Bandit.” Denise heaved a big sigh.

I reached to embrace her. “He’ll be okay,”

“He’ll wake the baby!” She gave me a little push.

"Yeh, yeh." I rolled out of bed and shoved my feet in my slippers. “Stupid dog.”


It's a minor change, but you can add more sparkle and action when you get rid of the "saids." And you're definitely an author whose writing shows tremendous promise.
I agree with Jan... much promise in this! But WHAT A TITLE! Never thought I'd see THAT in the Challenge... heh.