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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: End (02/13/06)
I watched my children watching TV, knowing I was failing them.

There was no thought to play or interact with them. I was less than empty.

I tried to find energy to walk to the kitchen to prepare dinner. My limbs did not respond. My mind roared. I blinked laboriously, pushing away from the abyss that was swallowing me and forcing my thoughts to prayer.

Nothing happened. The prayers did not come. The words did not form. My mind was a cavern of nothingness.

My bible lay on a nearby ottoman. With arms like lead, I reached for it, heaving a huge sigh from this gargantuan effort.

I turned to Luke, knowing I needed to read it for my bible study. Might as well kill two birds…

Luke, Chapter 11 was our assigned reading for the week. I exhaled again with weariness for this gospel I’d read so many times before. What was the use? I thought.

The kids were still engrossed in their show. I thought about calling a friend. No, I assessed, no one can help me with this.

My bible was waiting. Fine, I thought. It can’t hurt.

I skimmed the first paragraphs, not processing. My soul was dead, God’s word could not penetrate it. And then a knife sliced into my heart. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find…” I read. You stopped asking, you are not seeking, I heard. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

But I am, I have, I screamed silently. A small sob escaped.

No, I was told gently, you have stopped listening.

But I’m trying! I argued. I’m so desperately trying, but I can’t hear You! There was no reply.

I’m a failure at everything, I can’t even pray, I thought. The silence in my head crowded out the blaring TV. I looked down and, seeing a pen, I suddenly needed paper. I found my prayer list, still unopened, in the back of my bible. Ignoring the others’ requests written on the page, I found a blank spot and began to write.

“Oh Lord, I call out to you from my darkness, when will it end?” I wrote.

Nothing. I glanced at my bible again. Words attacked me. “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.” A fresh veil of tears covered my cheeks as I recalled the screaming match with my husband from the day before, and every day for as long as I could remember. Oh God! I cried. Why can’t we stop this?

My pen began to fly across the paper. I wrote to the Lord what I could no longer pray. “The walls I have so carefully built with the broken pieces of my life have once again come crashing down,” I scribbled. “I am naked, raw, exposed. My heart implodes.” My tears dropped heavily onto the paper. “I have poured myself out, there is nothing more there.” I wiped the tears from the page. “I know of Your goodness, but still I turn away. My heart for You has turned to stone, cold and impenetrable.”

I grabbed a crumpled napkin, wiping it roughly across my nose. The kids were still in their TV trance. I turned the page of my bible. Another knife seared into me. “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl,” Luke 11:33 told me. I did, I wailed, I hid my lamp so deep I can’t even find it anymore.

My pen was moving again. “The light in me is darkness, when did You slip away?” I crossed it out, knowing God had not left me “Why have I placed You in exile from my heart?” I wrote instead. “I turn away from Your glory, into my dark, hidden place, licking my wounds.” My eyes hurt from crying but still the tears did not stop. “I can no longer find my way, Lord. I know You are my comfort, why can’t I feel Your embrace?” I buried my head in my hands and sobbed.

“Mommy?” I heard vaguely, as my son pried my hands from my face and climbed into my lap. His small arms wrapped around my torso as he hugged me. I hugged Him back.

_________________
Verses taken from Luke 11:9, 17, and 33 (NIV)
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This article has been read 1284 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Brandi Roberts
02/21/06
Wow. Wow. Wow. I loved this! I'm going to be looking for it in the top five for sure! You have certainly captured this reader and I'm looking for more!!! Well written!
Dara Sorensen
02/22/06
Simply amazing!
Mary Alice Bowles
02/22/06
This wonderful article is so filled with the spirit of the Living God! I thank you for giving me the privilege of reading it. Thank you
Jan Ackerson
02/23/06
Absolutely flawless writing; you really brought us into your narrator's wounded spirit.
Anita Neuman
02/23/06
Aside from the raw emotion captured in this piece, what I loved most was your subtle hint at the outcome. You turned us in the direction of hope without spelling it out for us. That is masterful writing!
Garnet Miller 
02/23/06
It's funny how God can speak to us through our children. A loving word from them and we crumble with love!
Linda Watson Owen
02/24/06
Absolutely wonderful storytelling!! You made this reader see, hear, and feel the MC's experiences. The ending was perfect...so believable real, not contrived or trite. Excellent!
Tiffanie Chezum
02/25/06
Excellent job! Thanks.
Crista Darr
02/26/06
Wonderful piece! An honest look at the darkness many of us face at times. I'm so thankful you used the Bible to minister to your mc. Excellent.
Cassie Memmer
02/26/06
Well done! I think you struck a cord in most everyone as we've probably all been 'there' before. Thank God, we don't need to stay, as He gently woos us back into His presence. Great writing!
c clemons
02/26/06
Some what confusing when the italics was God and the person speaking. Should be just one or the other for a simpler read. I did not find that the child at the end brought you back from the abyss, only the love of God can do that.