They say an end is just a disguised beginning. To me it seems each beginning is just another crows cry, heralding the end. They must be very well disguised.
The first thought that registers in my brain in the morning is: I want to die. I open my eyes and groan. God please just take me away. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of trying. I give up. Help me.
I trudge into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of orange juice. After eight hours sleep, my body feels like lead. Sitting alone at the counter, I listen to the clock ticking mechanically and realise this will probably be the highlight of my day. I'm young but I feel ancient. Nothing seems enticing anymore, except death. It is the only 'disguised beginning' I'm looking forward to.
At work the hours crawl past slowly. I try to muster a smile for those around me but it only results in something closer to a sneer. A friend stops by, "Are you ok?" I crumple into tears. "Can I pray for you?" he asks. I shrug. I've tried praying. I know God is faithful, mentally at least, but it's been months. I don't see why it has to be so hard. My friend interrupts my glum musings, "I think God wants to say to you: "Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God." (Isaiah 50:10 NIV)
I wipe my nose and muster a feeble thanks. With a last concerned gaze, my friend departs. As soon as the door closes I begin to cry again. I know I'm meant to trust you God but it's so hard and I don't understand! Why are you letting me suffer when I'm just trying to follow you?
My mind flashes to the scene of Jesus on the cross. Dark clouds roll across the sky and the wind rushes at those exposed on the hilltop. Pain is etched deep in Jesus' face. I don't even look at his hands or feet. All hope seems lost. Jesus was obedient even to death on a cross. And God used that, gloriously. Somehow I don't think Jesus regrets it either.
But He knew you'd bring something good out of it! I protest.
"Trust me, and you will know that too. 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.'" (Romans 8:28 NIV)
I sink to my knees. God forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for not trusting in you. But it's so hard! Everything within me cries against this. I can't do it!
"That's where the second part of the verse comes in 'and RELY on his God'. Trust me my child, rely on me. You won't regret it."
I wipe my tears away once more and raise my face to meet the world. I still feel like dying, but deep within me there is a spark of hope.
They say an end is just a disguised beginning. To me it seems each beginning is just another crows cry, heralding the end. They are very well disguised. I'm glad God has better eyesight than me though.
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