I have a need for control.
Itís not something that Iím proud of.
In fact, itís brought me more shame than I care to admit.
When my husband and I were married nearly 10 years ago I volunteered to handle the finances, a task we both detested. My offer didnít stem from a gracious heart but from a need to once again maintain control of every situation.
I wish I could say that I was a faithful steward of the money that was entrusted to me and religiously saved every dime that wasnít earmarked for bills, food or rent.
Unfortunately that wasnít the case.
On more occasions than I can recall my unbridled spending has brought us to the brink of bankruptcy and divorce.
No matter what my husband does to try to reclaim control of the finances I always find a way to thwart his attempts.
Sometimes Iím astounded by my own deviousness.
It scares me how my need for control has so much control over me.
Does that make sense?
Being a Christian makes it even harder to admit my problem.
I should be able to ďlet go and let GodĒ take away my sinful desires.
He should be the one in control, not me.
To tell you the truth, I think I know the reason He is unable to help me.
Even as I pray for deliverance thereís a tiny part of me that is unwilling to give up that need for control.
Until I am willing to relinquish it all to Him, my finances, my marriage, indeed my entire life, I will continue to struggle with this problem.
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