The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/21/17
Great Job!

BLessings
This is a delightful story. I enjoyed Dad's wisdom.

Be careful to match plural and singular things (example taking loud slurp should be a loud slurp or loud slurs). I also noticed that you had random capitalization. Only cap it if it is a proper noun. Lastly, when writing for kids, it's great to have a conflict or two. You did a wonderful job of showing that right out of the gate. However, it is often more appealing to the reader if the MC resolves the conflict with just some gentle guidance from the adult. For example, in this story have Sarah exclaim that maths isn't as boring if you think of it as pizza, allowance...

It's an easy fix and with a bit of tweaking, you'd have a great kids' story. I like your dialog, and although the ending is a tad predictable, I enjoyed it and it left me with a smile.
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