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A Mother’s Addiction
Desire overtakes me. I can’t think about anything else. I want it. No. I need it. There is no escape from the temptation.
Faintly I hear my children crying from the living room. They want me as much as I want my next fix. Why won’t they just play and leave me to my quest?
I know I still have some more around here somewhere. If I could only find it, I’d feel happy again. Where is it?
Ah, there it is! I found the hidden treasure at last!
I open the container quickly, anticipation of nirvana causing my fingers to tingle. Within moments, the treasure chest is emptied of its booty. I slump to the floor, my head resting on a cupboard door, a pleased grin on my face. My eyes close as I drift off, lost in my own world. I can feel it working…
My body reels with the euphoria, riding the high for every precious second it will last. I know the feeling is fleeting. I don’t care. All that matters is this one moment in time.
The rush is always an enjoyable experience. That’s what makes it so hard to give up the habit. Over the years, I’ve tried desperately. Nothing can stop the tormenting desire that courses through me. I think about it and my pulse rate rises, my breathing quickens, my mouth salivates. I am weakened by temptation until I satisfy the need.
My inner demons now slumber. I return to my family, but the pleasure is short lived. They will awaken. They always do.
All too quickly I feel them stirring deep with in me. Why do they torture me so? Will I ever be freed? I don’t want to live this way anymore. I can’t live this way anymore.
I’m dying; my addiction is killing me one fix at a time.
The girls were just being so cute. Why can’t I hold onto the happiness of that moment? The answer? I’m weak. That’s it. It’s nothing that can be helped. If only there was someone stronger than me, someone who actually cared if I lived or died.
My precious Emma looks up from the game board and sees my wet cheeks. “What’s the matter mamma?” she asks in her most tender voice.
How do I explain something like this to a child so young? “Nothing sweetie. Mommy’s just got a problem.”
“Can I help?” Jamie rushes to put her arms around my leg.
“Mommy needs someone a little bigger honey.” Their sympathy causes the tears to flow even more.
“Someone like Jesus mamma? Ms. Ally says He’s big enough to help everybody at the same time, even Jordan, but I told her nobody could help a big meanie like him!” Emma’s eyes grow wide and her little face beams.
“This isn’t the type of thing to bother Jesus with.” I tussle her hair and give them each a kiss on the forehead. “Keep playing your game. I just need a few minutes alone guys.” I wander off down the hall to my bedroom.
Maybe Jesus is the answer? He’s always helped in the past, but this is my own fault. Would he really care about something like this? I guess the Bible does teach us to cast all of our cares on him…
What other choice do I have? I obviously can’t do it on my own.
“God, I’m sorry I’ve messed up my life so badly. I feel so pathetic. I told myself I would never have an addiction. It just…snuck up on me. Please set me free from this. Nothing else ever helps...”
I know my new quest will not be as simple as my little prayer, but somehow I don’t feel as weak any more. I can’t say the addiction is gone, more like dormant really. It could awaken at any time, but I know I’m not fighting alone anymore. Jesus does care if I live or die. I return to my beautiful daughters with a new hope.
“Mamma, I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?” Jamie always seems hungry. She must take after me, poor thing.
“Let’s try something new, something good for us for a change.” I walk to the kitchen and wonder if we even have any veggies.
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