The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/08/15
You shared an interesting story. There are punctuation errors so consider checking out Jan's Writing Basics on the Forums. There are many lessons from which to learn. I suggest you start with commas.
10/09/15
What a sweet story. I could see the children coming up to your MC with their hands outstretched with the hope of receiving a gift. Thanks for reminding us how our actions can make the world of difference to those who are suffering.

All the best.
10/10/15
Beautiful job with the topic. Well done.
God bless~
Hi,
I found your title engaging. It was the reason that I chose your piece to read over the 10 or so others in the list. Well done! Finding an engaging title can be difficult.
There were a couple of things that I thought you should look at however.
First, be careful when describing people as 'simple'. Remember that people in Brazil are probably reading this site and may not be too impressed with being referred to as simple.
The second thing is that I wasn't sure how this related to 'Zest'. Was the MC zesty by being out there and working with those people? Were the people themselves zesty by being open and friendly even when in difficult circumstances?
Overall, I thought that you described the atmosphere and character experience extremely well, I could see what the MC was seeing and feel what she was feeling. That means it was good writing. Well done!
I enjoyed reading your story. The love of Jesus you have for the people of Brazil is evident. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you.
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 17 overall! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
I enjoyed your story. I can feel your passion in your words. I think you did an outstanding job of writing on topic. The whole piece oozed of zest, yet you didn't use the word once. That takes talent. I could feel Holy Spirit moving among this group. Zest definitely describes people filled with the Spirit. As for the word simple, I realize you didn't mean it as a insult like being simple-minded, but more like not worrying about frills and complex problems that often people with money seem to have. I'm not sure how it would translate, but I know personally, I would not think ill of being called simple. I might laugh because I worry and fret with the best of them, but I'd recognize it as the compliment it was meant to be.

I'd love for you to do more showing by using body language, dialog, and thoughts. Most of your story is telling, but I want you to pull me in and make my senses jump to life as I read. For example, take the first line and add some details like this: As our taxi bumped along the rutted road, my stomach did flip-flops, not from being jostled, but from my excitement. As I twisted the hankie in my hands, I nudged my traveling partner. "How much longer? Do you think the little ones will remember me?"

Of course, that is just an example to show you what I mean. It also introduces a small conflict, wondering if you'll be remembered. I understand that might not have been your thoughts, but is just one way to build the suspense. Jan's Writing Basics on the forums is doing a lesson on conflict for the next few weeks. I'd urge you to check it out, if you haven't already, and try some of the homework.

You have a gift; the more you write and read the more you will blossom. You did a great job with this. Congratulations once again, and Happy Dance!
10/16/15
Congratulations on placing 1st place in the Intermediate division, Pat!

I appreciate all your comments and critiques.