The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/08/15
Leonard was a determined soul. He was not deterred from adversity-it seemed to have made him stronger.

I noticed several punctuation errors. You might want to check Jan's Writing Basics on Commas. It's an interesting lesson I recently completed. Keep writing.
10/09/15
I really liked your story. I love the water so I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen. Good job.

Critique: There are some punctuation mistakes and perhaps you might want to add some dialogue.

All the best. :)
10/10/15
I really enjoyed the story and the content message.
Nicely on topic.

God bless~
This is a charming story. I enjoyed Leonard's innovation. His ways were interesting and inspirational. I think your Bible verse was a perfect fit for your story.

My main red ink would be the old show, don't tell. Your opening paragraph is all telling; by mixing it up some, you can show and introduce a conflict. (Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards has a lesson this week about conflict, and an older lesson about showing. If you haven't participated yet, I'd urge you to check it out.) Here's an example of showing and introducing a conflict:
Sighing, Leonard looked out upon the waters. He'd dreamed of becoming a fisherman for as long as he could remember. Today he planned on sailing away in his very own boat. A slight chill rippled down his spine. Fishing for fish was easy. I've learned everything I know from Dad and his crew, but this trip will take me far from home. I'll be looking for souls for Jesus. Oh, Father, I pray I'm ready and won't mess up.

I know I took a lot of liberties, but wanted to show you how body language, dialog (in this case thought), and tightening sentences and avoid clichés can create a more vivid picture for the reader. I tried to stay true to your voice while still demonstrating what I meant.

I think you did a wonderful job of covering the topic. Although, you used zeal once, I don't remember you using zest, yet it was still right on topic. That takes talent, and I think you fully captured it.

Your message is clear and a powerful one. There are many ways we can spread the news; sometimes God calls us to do it in unique ways. I often find it terrifying, but like your MC, knowing Jesus is with me makes the arduous journey a pleasant one indeed.

I noticed a few sentences that could use commas to prevent run-ons or after introductory and parenthetical phrases. Here's a link to my favorite online resource. At the end of each section, there is a quiz to let you know how well you understand the rules: (Hm my favorite link is unavailable, but this is good too):

http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/comma.html

Overall, I think you did a nice job on this piece. I enjoyed your MC, and you took the reader on a journey through time. I look forward to reading more of your work. The more you write, read other challenge entries (and leave constructive feedback), your writing will blossom, and you'll be zooming up the levels. I also believe the Holy Spirit will use your stories to touch many, probably in ways you may never expect. :)