The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/16/15
2nd line of para. 3 should be "were" no Indians - interesting story with a challenge for our times
07/17/15
Thanks for sharing this story with us. It was introspective and gave us a lot to think about. Well done. I enjoyed this.

God bless~
Your story really resonated with me. I often have mini-tirades about similar things and how we are not equipping our kids with the tools they need in real life.

Your beginning needed some tightening and maybe a bigger hook sooner. For example:
Several years ago, I took my grandchildren to Tweetsie Railroad in North Carolina's Smoky Mountains. Excitement rippled down my back as I pictured my grandchildren delighting in the same trip that my family visited when I was a child. Soon disappointment would replace my joy.
I combined the sentences and added some excitement to grab the reader and to reduce the word count.

It is sad how one person can ruin something for so many people. I think this was a fresh take on the topic. Although the MC didn't run into the ugly tourist herself, she certainly felt the repercussions of that tourist. It makes me sad, but it also makes me resolve to make sure my granddaughter doesn't get robbed of such great events. You did a good job, and I truly enjoyed your piece.