The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/12/15
OH - I REALLY like this. Great descriptions, characterization, intrigue. You had me engaged from the beginning. Love it - thanks so much for sharing!
04/12/15
Great scene setting, as well as introducing the conflict early on. Great dialogue and characterization. I hope you do well in the Challenge!
04/12/15
I enjoyed this. I like how Pete introduces the topic in a way that really engages Crystal and Nate. Well done. I don't think it will be long before you jump to the next level.
04/13/15
You're an excellent writer! Well done, fabulous story, message and meaning.

I loved this.

Good job!

God bless~
I really loved this story. You did a wonderful job of pulling me in right away. I sensed the conflict immediately and it kept me holding onto every word.

Instead of using taglines like he screamed, use that space to show your character's emotions. The screaming while whispering felt like an oxymoron to me, but if you do something like this it would still get your point across.
Her cousin Nate's eyes bulged out as he tried to keep his voice down to a whisper.

Overall, you do a fantastic job of showing instead of just telling. I held onto every word. I think the ending was brilliant. You show the MC's interest, yet still keep the ending open. That's not easy to do, but you nailed it. I also liked how you showed the topic by demonstrating the opposite. It was really effective and quite creative too.
04/16/15
I enjoyed this. Good job! Thanks for all your hard work. Best of luck in the Challenge!