The Official Writing Challenge
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This was a really great storyline! It didn't connect with my emotions much, but I enjoyed it.
It's different and I felt little chill at the thought of how easy it is to get in with the wrong crowd. The escape para - 3rd from end was a little jumbled for me, unfortunately it halted a 'swift flight'. I thought you captured the 'voice' well.
11/28/05
Great plot with good suspense. I think you could make it even more suspenseful if you took out some of the dialogue - show more, instead of telling. But overall, this is a great story!
12/01/05
I like it! Expand this one, for sure.
12/01/05
Great story. Who were the guys in the house? I like the fast pace!
12/02/05
Good story! I could tell that some editing caused a problem easily solved by proofreading. I liked the fast pace also. All in all, a good read!
12/02/05
I like the way you started, the voice was sort of laconic, like in a detective novel. Fast paced. Good connection between title and last paragraph. If you expanded this I'd like to know why the sister stayed outside. Yeggy
12/02/05
Very dramatic story (and based on a post ealier this week, a seed of truth that kick started it lol) Well done!
12/03/05
Your first paragraph establishes the question of what emergency would cause the narrator take a risk driving without a license. Your second and third paragraphs from the end speed up a little too fast (a comment I once received), too many actions coming all at once. Word limits, word limits! Great ending paragraph! When you described the place that they came to in the vineyard, I almost thought of Marlon Brando in "The Godfather" as an old man tending the vines and dying of a heart attack. (Someone stop that theme music!!)
12/04/05
I liked the modern day example of Witness Protection. Nice work though for the word limit. That is a challenge. God bless ya, littlelight