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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Like a Fish Out of Water (10/24/13)

TITLE: Gilbert the Goldfish
By Ralph Leavers


“Humans, I don’t think they really understand what they’re saying’’ thought Gilbert as he lay on the floor next to Sally’s Polly Princess crown, a disgusting glob of what appears to be PB&J from yesterday’s lunch and the smelly remains of Nana dogs chew toy. “ We don’t say stupid things like “I feel like a man at the bottom of the lake” cuz logically both means you’re pretty much dead”
“Hey Gilbert” Nana slobbered as she picked up her go get it. “What are you doing on the floor? You’re usually in the stay away from there.”
“It’s called a fish bowl idiot.” Gilbert muttered and flopped his tail. “Why don’t you do something annoying like you usually do so one of the humans will come in here to tell you to shut up? Hopefully they will see me”
“Since I’m such an idiot, why don’t you bark or tip something over yourself” Nana triumphantly said as she sniffed and slobbered all over the flopping golden fish. ” You don’t look so good, are you going to eat this?”
“Of course I don’t look good! I’m a fish out of water! I’m dying here!” Gilbert gasped as he was disgusted to realize that dog slobber was quite refreshing at this point. “Please get a human, sometime before I need to take a ride down the big white swirly shoot they threw Gary in last month”
“Okay’ Okay I’ll go get someone” Nana slobbered again, and then trotted out of the room. “Hey Mrs. Feed Me the fish needs help… hey I wonder if she fed me”
“Oh God, I’m gonna die and my last conversation was with the equivalent of a sucker fish, and a stupid one at that.” Gilbert wiggled a little closer to the last glob of slobber. “Please little annoying girl come and get your princess crown”
Gilbert had no idea how long it had been, only that it was way to long, when he heard the sweet sound of annoying girl skipping down the hall singing the Sponge Bob song. “Sponge Bob, I’m here come quickly” he muttered.
“Mom, Gilberts on the floor! He looks just like Gary did; can I watch him go down the toilet too?” Sally screamed as she flicked Gilbert with her magic wand.
“NO! NO! I’m not dead!” Gilbert frantically yelled and flopped around as best that he could. “Just put me in the water!”
“Never mind mom, he’s still alive. I’ll put him back in his bowl” Sally picked him up by his tail and plopped him back in the bowl. “If he dies can I still flush him?”
“Thank You!!! Thank you thank you thank you” Gilbert gulped in the precious water and swam several laps around his glorious world. “Like a Fish out of water, what a stupid saying”

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This article has been read 263 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Virgil Youngblood 11/03/13
I enjoyed the humor and the view from a fish's perspective. I had a little trouble at times knowing who was speaking; paragraphs would make it easier reading. Even so, delightful.
C D Swanson 11/04/13
Fresh, fun, delightful and a pleasure to read! I LOVED IT!!!

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/05/13
I love this story. You did a delightful job of building your characters. Your tongue in cheek humor had me chuckling throughout.

You had some tiny things that needed tweaking like too instead of to and you need a comma or period after the last word before the end quote. A good proofreader would help you with things like that. I also noted a couple of awkward sentences that could be fixed with some tweaking or rearranging. Sometimes reading it out loud or even better have someone else read it and any part where you stumble might need some tweaking.

Normally, I would say don't take the topic literally, but instead write about what the saying means like someone feeling like she doesn't belong. However, you did a great take on the literal translation while still covering the

You may want to check out Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards. She gives wonderful advice for all levels of writers and responds to each person who posts on her thread. It's a great resource.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 11/05/13
Hmm some of my comment was erased. I meant to say you did a great job of writing on topic in a fresh way. Your story stands out and will stick with me for some time which is a good thing. I look forward to reading more of your work. :)
C D Swanson 11/07/13
Congratulations! God Bless~