The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 299 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Pretty story. Sweet and prayerful. Good friendship is a wonderful start to a walk with Him.
I love this. I think you did a stunning job. I felt like I was right there watching it all unfold before my eyes. Your dialog felt real and natural. You did a nice job of building the suspense and your characters.

I noticed that you are using narrative lines instead of a lot of taglines like she said. That's a wonderful way of showing and not telling. It helps give the reader insight on the MC's personality. Narrative lines, though, are complete sentences and should have a period at the end not a comma. (like in your opening line) It can get confusing. A good way to remember is a tagline can't stand on it's own: She said, What did she say? Therefore, you need a comma before the dialog, but this line: Sarah popped her head into Adrian’s office.
stands on it's own and is a complete sentence even without the dialog.

That's just a tiny detail, though, and really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of this grand scheme. I think it was brilliant to tackle the topic in this way, and the message is one many people need to hear, or need to be reminded of. You did a fantastic job and I totally enjoyed it.
08/20/13
Oh WOW! Good bumps! I loved this entire piece. It moved so quickly, smoothly and had a bit of levity appeal as well. It was like a movie in my head and I even know what the girls looked like! Excellent piece. However, the best part of all was that touching and powerful ending about our Lord and Savior. Amen. Best line of all.

Kudos and congrats on this fantastic entry.

God bless~