The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
A very nice story, and well told.
Good job with this piece...Nicely done, and nicely told. Enjoyed it and the message overall.

God Bless~
Your entry teaches a lesson most us must learn the hard way like the lady in your story. But we do learn.

Thanks for sharing.
You did a great job with this story. You introduced one of the conflict's right away and the anxiety of the MC was quite clear. It made me eager to keep on reading, then you grabbed me again with the bloody conflict.

Many writers struggle with the show don't tell concept. You want to paint a picture for your reader that feels more like watching TV than talking on the phone. You have some great descriptions as it is. Another thing you could do to show more is to get rid of passive words like was. For example you could switch this sentence: She was deathly pale and looked as if she would faint at any moment.
to: The blood drained from her face as she wobbled back and forth.
Hopefully that shows that she is pale and might faint at any moment.

I really enjoyed the serendipity in this piece that those of us who truly believe no it was not mere coincidence that she happened to wait until just the right moment to ring the doorbell. God uses those feelings of anxiety to glorify him, if we allow it. Had the MC not been nervous and arrived a few minutes earlier, then things could have turned out way worse in many ways! You have a definite knack for storytelling! (If you would like some more feedback, check out the throw a brick link on the message boards)
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