The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 232 times
Member Comments
Your story shows how fear often keeps us from doing the right thing. Most of the time, the right thing isn't as scary as we had anticipated--just as your entry conveyed. This would be a great Sunday School story for the little guys.
This is a charming story. The beginning drew me in immediately. I could empathize with the poor kid. I think everyone can remember a moment like that from their childhood.

I noticed a few little things like when a new person starts speaking, you start a new paragraph, even if it is just one word. You also had a POV shift. The reader can only know what the MC sees, hears, feels, or thinks, so when you switched to the parent's thoughts and actions, you had a shift. One way you could have fixed it is to have Billy hiding in a vantage point where he could see his father. This is just an example. Billy peaked his head out and his heart pounded as he watched his father search for him.
That shows what the dad is doing and gives the reader a peak into the MC's emotional state.

In the beginning, you did an outstanding job of showing the reader. Words like hunkered create a splendid picture. The dialog might need a bit of polishing to make it sound more natural, but you did a nice job of delivering your message. The story was definitely on topic. There's nothing like a good achoo to give away a hiding spit. All in all you did a nice job on this piece.