The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/07/05
Very nice story! I did notice a big use of adjectives and adverbs. I have learned here that they aren't always necessary as you can show the action without adding all the extra words. Try reading what you wrote without all of them and you may find that the verb works alone or the description is enough. Hope that helps..I know that when I got that comment, it helped my writing. I think you also used the topic well!
Nice job. I enjoyed the story.
11/08/05
Thank you for sharing the power of kindness. Nice story. Best wishes with your writing.
Good story. I like how you had the "star athlete" befriend the "new overweight kid". That doesn't happen often in today's society unfortunately. Keep up the good work.
Really effective story. I'd leave out "His friends were stunned" and several adverbs; i.e., if the girl is storming off and trying so hard to stop Jim from talking to Bobby, we know her frown would be pronounced.
Good story! I liked the message and your characters. I could see Bobby and Jim clearly. I liked that Jim quoted a lesson from church to his friends and then practiced his faith in real life.

I was surprised to read that Allison would be so hateful to a relative, but kids can be mean when they feel insecure. I agree with the above suggestion about adverbs/adjectives. Simple is usually better.
11/12/05
I agree with the person who noted that this does not happen much with young people today. This would be a good story for a christian teen magazine..